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I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokpokki #1
I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki
The South Korean runaway bestseller, debut author Baek Se-Hee’s intimate therapy memoir—think Crying in H Mart meets Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.
PSYCHIATRIST: So how can I help you?
ME: I don’t know, I’m—what’s the word—depressed? Do I have to go into detail?
Baek Sehee is a successful young social media director at a publishing house when she begins seeing a psychiatrist about her—what to call it?—depression? She feels persistently low, anxious, endlessly self-doubting, but also highly judgmental of others. She hides her feelings well at work and with friends; adept at performing the calmness, even ease, her lifestyle demands. The effort is exhausting, overwhelming, and keeps her from forming deep relationships. This can't be normal.
But if she's so hopeless, why can she always summon a yen for her favorite street food: the hot, spicy rice cake, tteokbokki? Is this just what life is like?
Recording her dialogues with her psychiatrist over a 12-week period, Baek begins to disentangle the feedback loops, knee-jerk reactions, and harmful behaviors that keep her locked in a cycle of self-abuse. Part memoir, part self-help book, I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is a book to keep close and to reach for in times of darkness. It will appeal to anyone who has ever felt alone or unjustified in their everyday despair.
PSYCHIATRIST: So how can I help you?
ME: I don’t know, I’m—what’s the word—depressed? Do I have to go into detail?
Baek Sehee is a successful young social media director at a publishing house when she begins seeing a psychiatrist about her—what to call it?—depression? She feels persistently low, anxious, endlessly self-doubting, but also highly judgmental of others. She hides her feelings well at work and with friends; adept at performing the calmness, even ease, her lifestyle demands. The effort is exhausting, overwhelming, and keeps her from forming deep relationships. This can't be normal.
But if she's so hopeless, why can she always summon a yen for her favorite street food: the hot, spicy rice cake, tteokbokki? Is this just what life is like?
Recording her dialogues with her psychiatrist over a 12-week period, Baek begins to disentangle the feedback loops, knee-jerk reactions, and harmful behaviors that keep her locked in a cycle of self-abuse. Part memoir, part self-help book, I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is a book to keep close and to reach for in times of darkness. It will appeal to anyone who has ever felt alone or unjustified in their everyday despair.
208 pages, Hardcover
First published June 20, 2018
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 8,458 reviews
July 25, 2022
I reached for “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” by Baek Sehee for two main reasons: 1) I hoped to get a better insight into the way a standard therapy is conducted in South Korea, 2) I was interested to see how therapist’s culture influences the approach. The book, structured in the form of twelve conversations is a record of three months out of ten years of the author’s therapy, plus some loose chapters about her problems and thoughts.
The author’s statements and expressions of emotions resembled those of some of my students and it was interesting to see how her psychiatrist addressed her issues. Very quickly, though, I found their level of incompetence unbearable. It was pretty obvious for me from the beginning that Baek may be experiencing a burnout and may be suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome (she ticks all the boxes) but the psychiatrist does not suggest or imply it even once. They (their gender is never revealed) give advice which in my cultural environment would be highly unprofessional (not to say that it isn’t helpful at all): “Just tell yourself, ‘I won’t drink so much next time’” or “Try to enjoy the present” or “Don’t think about the future too much. Your anxiety can become a burden to others”, to quote a few. The author complains about her low self-esteem, fear of being judged, obsession about her appearance, jealousy, anxiety, hypersensitivity (which she and her psychiatrist call ‘oversensitivity’), her desire to please others, especially men, but the therapy never goes anywhere. The conversations have no structure, no direction, they are all over the place, and I felt that the psychiatrist isn’t even interested in helping their patient. They didn’t probe thoroughly enough, often didn’t seem to ask the right and most obvious questions, didn’t address extreme patriarchy, which made me see clearly how much the therapist is the product of their culture, in which abuse towards women and alcoholism are normalised. Psychiatrist’s statements like: “We drink precisely to get drunk but now you’re envious of people who drink and don’t get drunk” or inquiring with an only slightly hidden shock why the author gained five kilos (“Really? You don’t look like you have. Was there a particular reason?”) made my skin crawl. Several times the psychiatrist openly judged the author, calling her childish, and blamed her for not telling them about experiencing side effects of prescribed medication. This for me is highly unprofessional and completely unacceptable. They also didn’t seem to lead the conversation well when the author shared her obsession of always looking beautiful for men and asked questions like: “Maybe I just don’t have the kind of face men like?”.
After three months of therapy the author states “Everything is a mess” and feels more out of control than before she started the therapy, which I fully understand, considering the low quality of sessions she had. Even if she sometimes felt the psychiatrist understands her, she never got any constructive guidance on how to solve her problems. What she received was several pieces of advice on how to avoid dealing with the problem, which seemed to be random ideas of her psychiatrist, not a product of their experience, qualifications and knowledge. For example, Baek complained about drinking too much but instead of investigating why she does that and what kind of coping mechanism her drinking is, her therapist just suggested avoiding friends with whom she goes drinking. This may be a common way of sweeping problems under the rug in Korean culture but it is totally inappropriate from the therapy’s perspective as it does not solve the root cause of the issue. I could name many more similar tips the author received. I learned from the book that the author spent ten years in therapy and didn’t end up much wiser. No wonder. The psychiatrist prescribed her a ton of medications without explaining the reasons for doing so, side effects, expected results and even ways of seeing when the medication starts working (!): “I’m going to change your medication a bit. The antidepressants will lift you from the ground a little more, and I’ll also include some mood stabilisers”. I have heard of this level of incompetence from some of my Asian students and I don’t need to mention how extremely frustrated it makes me. Denying a patient knowledge about their health and treatment is a gross misconduct.
The author claims to have learned several things - she understood that she can let herself be, that she can let herself feel whatever she feels, that she interprets events in her life depending on her mood. However, I would expect her to learn this and start processing the positive change within the first month of therapy, not after ten years. The fact that her psychiatrist didn’t give her any homework, didn’t explain what they are going to do in their therapy sessions, left me speechless.
This whole book is a case study on how NOT to do therapy and treat patients. It is also a really badly written (and, I suspect, translated - there are glaring linguistic mistakes) record, called by the publisher “a memoir”, of the author’s struggle with her mental health, reading about which can make many readers frustrated. Recognising yourself in the author apparently happens to some readers but the level of advice and support is so poor that I warn anyone hoping to actually find some guidance and clarity in it that it is most likely not going to happen. Save yourself time and go to a therapy. And if you find a therapist similar to the author’s psychiatrist - run away and find a more competent professional.
The author’s statements and expressions of emotions resembled those of some of my students and it was interesting to see how her psychiatrist addressed her issues. Very quickly, though, I found their level of incompetence unbearable. It was pretty obvious for me from the beginning that Baek may be experiencing a burnout and may be suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome (she ticks all the boxes) but the psychiatrist does not suggest or imply it even once. They (their gender is never revealed) give advice which in my cultural environment would be highly unprofessional (not to say that it isn’t helpful at all): “Just tell yourself, ‘I won’t drink so much next time’” or “Try to enjoy the present” or “Don’t think about the future too much. Your anxiety can become a burden to others”, to quote a few. The author complains about her low self-esteem, fear of being judged, obsession about her appearance, jealousy, anxiety, hypersensitivity (which she and her psychiatrist call ‘oversensitivity’), her desire to please others, especially men, but the therapy never goes anywhere. The conversations have no structure, no direction, they are all over the place, and I felt that the psychiatrist isn’t even interested in helping their patient. They didn’t probe thoroughly enough, often didn’t seem to ask the right and most obvious questions, didn’t address extreme patriarchy, which made me see clearly how much the therapist is the product of their culture, in which abuse towards women and alcoholism are normalised. Psychiatrist’s statements like: “We drink precisely to get drunk but now you’re envious of people who drink and don’t get drunk” or inquiring with an only slightly hidden shock why the author gained five kilos (“Really? You don’t look like you have. Was there a particular reason?”) made my skin crawl. Several times the psychiatrist openly judged the author, calling her childish, and blamed her for not telling them about experiencing side effects of prescribed medication. This for me is highly unprofessional and completely unacceptable. They also didn’t seem to lead the conversation well when the author shared her obsession of always looking beautiful for men and asked questions like: “Maybe I just don’t have the kind of face men like?”.
After three months of therapy the author states “Everything is a mess” and feels more out of control than before she started the therapy, which I fully understand, considering the low quality of sessions she had. Even if she sometimes felt the psychiatrist understands her, she never got any constructive guidance on how to solve her problems. What she received was several pieces of advice on how to avoid dealing with the problem, which seemed to be random ideas of her psychiatrist, not a product of their experience, qualifications and knowledge. For example, Baek complained about drinking too much but instead of investigating why she does that and what kind of coping mechanism her drinking is, her therapist just suggested avoiding friends with whom she goes drinking. This may be a common way of sweeping problems under the rug in Korean culture but it is totally inappropriate from the therapy’s perspective as it does not solve the root cause of the issue. I could name many more similar tips the author received. I learned from the book that the author spent ten years in therapy and didn’t end up much wiser. No wonder. The psychiatrist prescribed her a ton of medications without explaining the reasons for doing so, side effects, expected results and even ways of seeing when the medication starts working (!): “I’m going to change your medication a bit. The antidepressants will lift you from the ground a little more, and I’ll also include some mood stabilisers”. I have heard of this level of incompetence from some of my Asian students and I don’t need to mention how extremely frustrated it makes me. Denying a patient knowledge about their health and treatment is a gross misconduct.
The author claims to have learned several things - she understood that she can let herself be, that she can let herself feel whatever she feels, that she interprets events in her life depending on her mood. However, I would expect her to learn this and start processing the positive change within the first month of therapy, not after ten years. The fact that her psychiatrist didn’t give her any homework, didn’t explain what they are going to do in their therapy sessions, left me speechless.
This whole book is a case study on how NOT to do therapy and treat patients. It is also a really badly written (and, I suspect, translated - there are glaring linguistic mistakes) record, called by the publisher “a memoir”, of the author’s struggle with her mental health, reading about which can make many readers frustrated. Recognising yourself in the author apparently happens to some readers but the level of advice and support is so poor that I warn anyone hoping to actually find some guidance and clarity in it that it is most likely not going to happen. Save yourself time and go to a therapy. And if you find a therapist similar to the author’s psychiatrist - run away and find a more competent professional.
July 12, 2022
This is a hard book to review or rate because according to how it is being marketed it is supposed to be "part memoir" and "part self help", but then, it is neither. This book is literally (yes, I mean literally) TRANSCRIPTS of her therapy sessions with her therapist with some short reflections re the sessions. I thought that the "therapy conversations" part were just going to be excerpts that serve as a jumping point into her actual thoughts and experiences as someone living with Persistent Depressive Disorder, but it was really 80% just "therapy conversations".
For a book that supposedly lays it all out, it lacked depth in terms of allowing the reader to step into the author's experiences with her struggles with her mental health (examples of books I read recently that did this well: The Limits of My Language: Meditations on Depression by Eva Meijer, Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me: Depression in the First Person by Anna Mehler Paperny). It also did not give the reader any insights into her process of seeking mental health support and being in therapy itself. Because again, you literally just get the back and forth between her and her therapist, not her internal thoughts or dialogues re what is being said in therapy.
I get that it is brave to bare your intimate conversations in the protected space of therapy out for the public to consume, but then, the way it was structured just makes it feel...a bit lazy.
For a book that supposedly lays it all out, it lacked depth in terms of allowing the reader to step into the author's experiences with her struggles with her mental health (examples of books I read recently that did this well: The Limits of My Language: Meditations on Depression by Eva Meijer, Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me: Depression in the First Person by Anna Mehler Paperny). It also did not give the reader any insights into her process of seeking mental health support and being in therapy itself. Because again, you literally just get the back and forth between her and her therapist, not her internal thoughts or dialogues re what is being said in therapy.
I get that it is brave to bare your intimate conversations in the protected space of therapy out for the public to consume, but then, the way it was structured just makes it feel...a bit lazy.
April 19, 2024
Inhaled this book this weekend morning and I am so glad I decided to pick it up after getting frustrated by my recents reads turning out to be either DNFs or very disappointing ones.
This short memoir deals with mental health and a lot of issues most of us keep thinking about almost everyday regarding our own unhealthy behaviour towards ourselves and others (including strangers!).
I feel this is a must read book and it has gained popularity over the years ever since it got published in Korea for so many reasons, one of the reason I feel is that it has a very comprehensive way of presentation which is very easy to follow regarding the talk between the author and the psychiatrist.
All I can say is that it brought me so much peace and comfort.
This short memoir deals with mental health and a lot of issues most of us keep thinking about almost everyday regarding our own unhealthy behaviour towards ourselves and others (including strangers!).
I feel this is a must read book and it has gained popularity over the years ever since it got published in Korea for so many reasons, one of the reason I feel is that it has a very comprehensive way of presentation which is very easy to follow regarding the talk between the author and the psychiatrist.
All I can say is that it brought me so much peace and comfort.
January 13, 2024
Short version: I still want to die but I also want to eat tteokpokki.
Slightly longer version: This book was a little too bare for my tastes and not as intimate or in-depth as I would have expected from reading transcripts of therapy sessions. Sometimes the advice the therapists gave would make me side-eye too, but I think that's largely because mental health, patriarchy, and work culture in South Korea is still something to be worked on even among mental health professionals.
Slightly longer version: This book was a little too bare for my tastes and not as intimate or in-depth as I would have expected from reading transcripts of therapy sessions. Sometimes the advice the therapists gave would make me side-eye too, but I think that's largely because mental health, patriarchy, and work culture in South Korea is still something to be worked on even among mental health professionals.
May 25, 2022
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There was something about the title and cover of this book that brought to mind Ottessa Moshfegh’s My Year of Rest and Relaxation and a line from Madame Bovary: ‘She wanted both to die and to live in Paris’. Naturally, me being a fan of both of those novels, I found myself intrigued by I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki. This is a relatively short read which is made up of the transcripts from the author’s session with her psychiatrist over a 12-week period. While there are occasional breaks in this patient/psychiatrist dialogue, these are brief, lasting one or two pages and consist of the author musing on the words of her psychiatrist or offering her own words of wisdom. Now, on the one hand, I appreciated reading these sessions as they lead to discussions on self-esteem, depression, anxiety, peer pressure, one’s desire to fit in and be liked, toxic relationships, etc. Baek’s worries and everyday tribulations will likely resonate with many millennials. While I appreciate the honesty that radiated from these sessions, and from her willingness to confront, assess, and critique aspects of herself, I did grow a tad bored by them. I remember coming across a book (i think it was a book) where a character comments on how, most of the time, other people’s dreams do not strike us as interesting as our own ones. Well, this is how I feel about this book. Baek, understandably, finds these sessions to be enlightening as through them she gains self-knowledge and a more nuanced understanding of her mental health, I did not. As I said, I could certainly relate to some of the conversations they have around self-esteem and self-perception, but at the end of the day, these sessions were tailored for Baek, and I couldn’t help but feel a bit uneasy at being ‘invited’ in. Maybe because I have always associated therapists/psychiatrists with privacy, but there were several instances where I wanted to bow out and leave Baek some space. Part of me wishes that this book could have taken only certain exchanges from her sessions, and incorporated these into longer pieces where the author considers the issues they discussed. In short, I wanted to hear more from Baek, and less from her psychiatrist. If I were to record my hypothetical sessions with a therapist or whoever, I doubt anyone would want to read transcripts of it. And if they did, well, that’s kind of sus.
Anyway, jokes aside, this was by no means a bad book. I just think it could have benefitted from more original content (ie mini-essays/think pieces).
“I wonder about others like me, who seem totally fine on the outside but are rotting on the inside, where the rot is this vague state of being not-fine and not-devastated at the same time.”
There was something about the title and cover of this book that brought to mind Ottessa Moshfegh’s My Year of Rest and Relaxation and a line from Madame Bovary: ‘She wanted both to die and to live in Paris’. Naturally, me being a fan of both of those novels, I found myself intrigued by I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki. This is a relatively short read which is made up of the transcripts from the author’s session with her psychiatrist over a 12-week period. While there are occasional breaks in this patient/psychiatrist dialogue, these are brief, lasting one or two pages and consist of the author musing on the words of her psychiatrist or offering her own words of wisdom. Now, on the one hand, I appreciated reading these sessions as they lead to discussions on self-esteem, depression, anxiety, peer pressure, one’s desire to fit in and be liked, toxic relationships, etc. Baek’s worries and everyday tribulations will likely resonate with many millennials. While I appreciate the honesty that radiated from these sessions, and from her willingness to confront, assess, and critique aspects of herself, I did grow a tad bored by them. I remember coming across a book (i think it was a book) where a character comments on how, most of the time, other people’s dreams do not strike us as interesting as our own ones. Well, this is how I feel about this book. Baek, understandably, finds these sessions to be enlightening as through them she gains self-knowledge and a more nuanced understanding of her mental health, I did not. As I said, I could certainly relate to some of the conversations they have around self-esteem and self-perception, but at the end of the day, these sessions were tailored for Baek, and I couldn’t help but feel a bit uneasy at being ‘invited’ in. Maybe because I have always associated therapists/psychiatrists with privacy, but there were several instances where I wanted to bow out and leave Baek some space. Part of me wishes that this book could have taken only certain exchanges from her sessions, and incorporated these into longer pieces where the author considers the issues they discussed. In short, I wanted to hear more from Baek, and less from her psychiatrist. If I were to record my hypothetical sessions with a therapist or whoever, I doubt anyone would want to read transcripts of it. And if they did, well, that’s kind of sus.
Anyway, jokes aside, this was by no means a bad book. I just think it could have benefitted from more original content (ie mini-essays/think pieces).
Read
September 12, 2023I always find it quite difficult to rate non-fiction, especially when it’s a very honest and vulnerable story, so I shall leave my thoughts here instead :)
Baek Se-hee spoke about her mental health in such a candid way. Although she didn’t shy away from revealing the difficult and dark parts of her experiences, and herself, she also filled this book with so much light.
It was wonderful to get this insight into her mind, and to see that we are all simply trying to be the best versions of ourselves.
Above all, my biggest take away from her story is how important it is to speak to people about how you’re feeling. I’ve always been a firm believer in sharing your thoughts and emotions with people you trust. Even though thoughts themselves have no weight, they can be a heavy burden. Sharing that burden with someone else, someone you trust and perhaps love, can not only lighten that burden, but it can also create a strong bond between you and that trusted person.
Isn’t being human so beautiful, with all these thoughts and feelings we share?
I think so :)
Baek Se-hee spoke about her mental health in such a candid way. Although she didn’t shy away from revealing the difficult and dark parts of her experiences, and herself, she also filled this book with so much light.
It was wonderful to get this insight into her mind, and to see that we are all simply trying to be the best versions of ourselves.
Above all, my biggest take away from her story is how important it is to speak to people about how you’re feeling. I’ve always been a firm believer in sharing your thoughts and emotions with people you trust. Even though thoughts themselves have no weight, they can be a heavy burden. Sharing that burden with someone else, someone you trust and perhaps love, can not only lighten that burden, but it can also create a strong bond between you and that trusted person.
Isn’t being human so beautiful, with all these thoughts and feelings we share?
I think so :)
February 17, 2020
I think one of the most important lessons that I learned from this book is that there is only one "you" in this world, and you are special in your own way, regardless of what happens. I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokpokki is a book originally written in Korean, about a woman diagnosed with dysthymia. Baek Se-hee wrote the dialogues during her sessions with a psychiatrist, and included her inner thoughts on how she wants to love herself better.
I don't read a lot of self-help books–I can't remember any apart from Loveability by Robert Holden, but I didn't even finish reading the book completely–so I was quite unsure what to expect from reading this. I had wanted to love this book, and that is exactly how it ended to be—and perhaps I love it more than I had hoped.
Although I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokpokki is actually a compilation of written dialogues between the author and her psychiatrist, I was able to immerse myself into the conversation, to the point that it felt very intimate, as if I was in her situation all along. I was never clinically diagnosed with depression or any other mental illness, but I went through my own dark moments and I could relate to most of the things that Baek Se-hee went through. The confusion in Baek Se-hee's dialogues mirror my own, and the psychiatrist's words sent me a blanket of comfort that I absolutely needed.
I had prayed for 2020 to start of well for me, but alas, January did not end as the best time for me. However, the presence of this book, the words and dialogues written by Baek Se-hee were able to help me cope with my own dark overwhelming thoughts. I didn't finish the book in one seating, it took a whole deal lot of times, but I am utterly grateful for it. I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokpokki is the kind of book that I will keep very close to me, and will reach out to it again whenever I'm at my lowest.
I definitely recommend everyone to read this book. I was able to relate to a lot of it, and I hope others will find comfort from it as well. I hope that even when you feel like dying, there is something that you still want to do to stay alive, no matter how small the matter is, even if it's only craving for some spicy rice cakes.
I don't read a lot of self-help books–I can't remember any apart from Loveability by Robert Holden, but I didn't even finish reading the book completely–so I was quite unsure what to expect from reading this. I had wanted to love this book, and that is exactly how it ended to be—and perhaps I love it more than I had hoped.
Although I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokpokki is actually a compilation of written dialogues between the author and her psychiatrist, I was able to immerse myself into the conversation, to the point that it felt very intimate, as if I was in her situation all along. I was never clinically diagnosed with depression or any other mental illness, but I went through my own dark moments and I could relate to most of the things that Baek Se-hee went through. The confusion in Baek Se-hee's dialogues mirror my own, and the psychiatrist's words sent me a blanket of comfort that I absolutely needed.
I had prayed for 2020 to start of well for me, but alas, January did not end as the best time for me. However, the presence of this book, the words and dialogues written by Baek Se-hee were able to help me cope with my own dark overwhelming thoughts. I didn't finish the book in one seating, it took a whole deal lot of times, but I am utterly grateful for it. I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokpokki is the kind of book that I will keep very close to me, and will reach out to it again whenever I'm at my lowest.
I definitely recommend everyone to read this book. I was able to relate to a lot of it, and I hope others will find comfort from it as well. I hope that even when you feel like dying, there is something that you still want to do to stay alive, no matter how small the matter is, even if it's only craving for some spicy rice cakes.
October 13, 2022
Review: (1★) I try not to write overly harsh, critical and mean reviews, but to be very honest, I hated this book.
Having personally suffered from mental health issues myself, I was hopeful for this book. However, I found the writing disappointing, and the author immature, infuriating and insufferable. Some examples:
• she got offended when a friend didn't seem to enjoy a book she recommended, and sent a scathing message to said friend, calling her "arrogant and exhausting"
• she got annoyed when female friends and acquaintances praised her for being pretty, yet got jealous and unhappy when men didn't compliment her on her appearances
• she seemed obsessed with seeking external validation and reasons, using mental health as a way to justify her actions and behaviour (she seemed so eager to claim she had histrionic personality disorder, alcoholism and body dysmorphia)
Overall, the book is really just snippets of conversation between her therapist and her, tape-recorded, transcribed and stitched together with diary-esque musings from the "author" that concludes with some feel-good cliches. If that's your cup of tea, then go for it. But to me, it just feels a tad trite, lacklustre, and lazy.
(Nonetheless, I am grateful to the author for so bravely, generously and candidly sharing her experiences through this book. May she, and everyone else, find their light within the darkness, their own reasons for living and happiness, even if it's as simple as a plate of tteokbokki.)
If you're looking for better books that are similarly related to mental health and/or therapy, I'd recommend Lori Gottlieb's Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed (nonfiction). For fiction novels about mental health that are perhaps less uplifting but darkly humorous and surprisingly relatable, try Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar or Ottessa Moshfegh's My Year of Rest and Relaxation.
Having personally suffered from mental health issues myself, I was hopeful for this book. However, I found the writing disappointing, and the author immature, infuriating and insufferable. Some examples:
• she got offended when a friend didn't seem to enjoy a book she recommended, and sent a scathing message to said friend, calling her "arrogant and exhausting"
• she got annoyed when female friends and acquaintances praised her for being pretty, yet got jealous and unhappy when men didn't compliment her on her appearances
• she seemed obsessed with seeking external validation and reasons, using mental health as a way to justify her actions and behaviour (she seemed so eager to claim she had histrionic personality disorder, alcoholism and body dysmorphia)
Overall, the book is really just snippets of conversation between her therapist and her, tape-recorded, transcribed and stitched together with diary-esque musings from the "author" that concludes with some feel-good cliches. If that's your cup of tea, then go for it. But to me, it just feels a tad trite, lacklustre, and lazy.
(Nonetheless, I am grateful to the author for so bravely, generously and candidly sharing her experiences through this book. May she, and everyone else, find their light within the darkness, their own reasons for living and happiness, even if it's as simple as a plate of tteokbokki.)
If you're looking for better books that are similarly related to mental health and/or therapy, I'd recommend Lori Gottlieb's Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed (nonfiction). For fiction novels about mental health that are perhaps less uplifting but darkly humorous and surprisingly relatable, try Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar or Ottessa Moshfegh's My Year of Rest and Relaxation.
April 4, 2023
The best part of this book is the title.
What a banger of a title. Holding out on suicidal ideation because of a small joy in life and holding that dialectic. I wanted to read this based on the title alone.
Maybe I shouldn't do that.
This is less a book and more a transcript of a few therapy sessions that frankly aren't very productive, well structured, or particularly insightful. A lot of the conversation is "I feel this" "have you considered it's ok to feel this?" Or "have you considered feeling this instead?" Or "maybe you don't actually feel that?" and none of these generic prompts really lead us down anything profound. The author and therapist both acknowledge that at the end - there's no conclusion, there's just this. It's unproductive therapy dressed up as performance art.
I wouldn't recommend this to anyone and would instead plug Stephanie Foo's What My Bones Know as a self-help-memoir written by an East Asian woman that has therapy transcripts and says something new.
More thoughts here: https://youtu.be/vni9kSfxaf0
What a banger of a title. Holding out on suicidal ideation because of a small joy in life and holding that dialectic. I wanted to read this based on the title alone.
Maybe I shouldn't do that.
This is less a book and more a transcript of a few therapy sessions that frankly aren't very productive, well structured, or particularly insightful. A lot of the conversation is "I feel this" "have you considered it's ok to feel this?" Or "have you considered feeling this instead?" Or "maybe you don't actually feel that?" and none of these generic prompts really lead us down anything profound. The author and therapist both acknowledge that at the end - there's no conclusion, there's just this. It's unproductive therapy dressed up as performance art.
I wouldn't recommend this to anyone and would instead plug Stephanie Foo's What My Bones Know as a self-help-memoir written by an East Asian woman that has therapy transcripts and says something new.
More thoughts here: https://youtu.be/vni9kSfxaf0
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November 6, 2023i get why therapists might review this and rate it low, but as someone who just wanted to be a fly on the wall and absorb this book for what it is (a transcript of client/therapist conversations), i really did enjoy it. i won't be following the advice to a t, but i did think it was very interesting to see how different the culture is in Korea versus America and how the author's insecurities and societal pressures differ from--or are similar to-- mine. it was inspirational to see how i could advocate for myself/my experiences, and i thought the nuance was interesting that depression doesn't always mean being suicidal and it can manifest in other ugly ways. the fact that this was a hard story for this author to tell probably proves why it should exist, especially in its native country/language.
again, maybe i grossly misunderstood this because i'm a sheeple and not a mental health professional but still!!! this book made me emotional at certain points and i liked that it had an uplifting message at the end. on top of it being a short book, it was just an easy time with a title that makes me giggle.
again, maybe i grossly misunderstood this because i'm a sheeple and not a mental health professional but still!!! this book made me emotional at certain points and i liked that it had an uplifting message at the end. on top of it being a short book, it was just an easy time with a title that makes me giggle.
May 29, 2023
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Update: Forgot to put this in my review originally but one other thing I appreciated about this book is that the author is outspoken about her feelings about mental health and it's my understanding that a lot of Asian cultures tend to frown on this, so having such a visible figure doing this in an open way and receiving support is great.
Truly an awesome pick for AAPI month and mental health awareness month!
I WANT TO DIE BUT I WANT TO EAT TTEOKBOKKI has a fantastic, catchy title, which was what originally gravitated me towards this book. As someone who gets depressed and also has anxiety, this book sounded high-key relatable and I was really excited to read it.
However, reading it was kind of a lackluster experience. There are some really relatable things that she talks about, and I think she's really good at capturing some of the urgent, desperate, and irrational feelings someone has while spiraling into self-hatred/negative thinking cycles or having a panic attack, but the bulk of the book is literally just transcripts of her talking to her psychiatrist. It's... really not that interesting. At times it feels more like reading someone's diary than it does something that was written for consumption by the public.
As others have said, some of the psychiatrist's methods felt sus. Not like, "omg this is a bad doctor!" sus. Because I'm sure they aren't. But just like... "is this the right approach for this person?" sus. Like asking "and how did that make you feel?" during a recount of physical abuse (maybe... uh, try "bad", sis?) or diagnosing someone with a mood disorder with ADHD b/c they aren't responding well to antidepressants without considering if it's bipolar (or maybe they did, but the author didn't say). I get that therapy is to some extent an outstanding Socratic dialogue but it felt like there should have been more of a guiding influence here to keep the author from looping into these cycles. This kind of felt like the Marie Kondo version of therapy. Hey, if she liked it and it worked for her, good for her. But it triggered me b/c of my own bad experiences with therapy.
In any case, reading this book made me find out that I'm a hedgehog. So I'm awarding a bonus half star just for that.
P.S. I was wondering why this book was so hyped until I did some Nancy Drewing and realized that someone from BTS apparently endorsed this book so I guess it's true what they say: The boy bands will inherit the earth.
2.5 stars
February 7, 2023
I don't think the author's therapist is good. Or, alternatively, mental health care varies wildly from culture to culture. I would read a book about that.
October 16, 2022
3.5 stars !! ty Bloomsbury for sending an ARC !!
the title grabbed me instantly and when i heard namjoon read it, i added it to my tbr immediately. i've never felt more seen reading a book.
i really enjoyed the first half of this book. the writing style is very blunt and straightforward which i found myself appreciating (for this topic) but i lost interest over halfway, for the same reason. it felt very repetitive and lost direction. it covered many topics such as depression, self-esteem, friendships/partners, etc.
i feel like there was no arc to the story. each chapter brought on new issues and we slightly pick up from the previous chapter but there is no overall character growth. which i can understand because this is just a record of baek sehee's recount of her talks with her psychiatrist, but it did make the reading experience less enjoyable.
despite the issues i have with the book, i still would recommend readers give it a try because this honestly felt like free therapy to me. to my mentally ill besties, READ THISSSSSS !!
the title grabbed me instantly and when i heard namjoon read it, i added it to my tbr immediately. i've never felt more seen reading a book.
i really enjoyed the first half of this book. the writing style is very blunt and straightforward which i found myself appreciating (for this topic) but i lost interest over halfway, for the same reason. it felt very repetitive and lost direction. it covered many topics such as depression, self-esteem, friendships/partners, etc.
i feel like there was no arc to the story. each chapter brought on new issues and we slightly pick up from the previous chapter but there is no overall character growth. which i can understand because this is just a record of baek sehee's recount of her talks with her psychiatrist, but it did make the reading experience less enjoyable.
despite the issues i have with the book, i still would recommend readers give it a try because this honestly felt like free therapy to me. to my mentally ill besties, READ THISSSSSS !!
July 28, 2023
‘You are fine now, just the way you are. You might say silly things when drunk, there may be side effects from the pills, but you’re fine. If the latter happens, all you have to do is call me up and swear at me.’
It's not a book for me, but I love this journey for you, Baek Se-hee (as I failingly attempt to flip my hair like Alexis from Schitt’s Creek). Quit your job to turn your emotional shit into gold? I 'stan'. At least she seems very genuine about it all. I'm just not the right reader for the book, which is a shame, but I can imagine someone else actually loving it a whole lot more than I did. I was expecting some dark beast of a book. This is a bit mild for me, but that doesn’t mean the writing doesn’t matter. It does very much; it just doesn’t resonate with me. I’m just not the right reader for this, unfortunately. And unfortunately, I vibe with Sarah Kane’s 4.48 Psychosis more, which really, just tells you more about me than Baek's book.
‘I wonder about others like me, who seem totally fine on the outside but are rotting on the inside, where the rot is this vague state of being not-fine and not-devastated at the same time. The world tends to focus too much on the very bright or the very dark; many of my own friends find my type of depression baffling. But what’s an ‘acceptable’ form of depression? Is depression itself something that can ever be fully understood? In the end, my hope is for people to read this book and think, I wasn’t the only person who felt like this; or, I see now that people live with this.’
Baek and I are clearly very different people with very different views. And I suppose I’m just the wrong reader for the book. I was defeated by my own high-ass expectations, and only have myself to blame. If you like Baek's book more than Kane's play, that's actually super good news for you.
‘…empathy is an act of imagination. If I don’t plant the seed in myself, it will never grow. Which is why some people never seem to understand the lives of others. But the only way to create something inside me that is not there to begin with is through imagination. You’ve got to learn how to empathise, to imagine.
I used to treat empathy as something very difficult, and shut myself off from the things that didn’t affect me emotionally. But surely to create something in me that didn’t exist before and to extend emotional solidarity to another person is one of the rites of adulthood. We are so far, and yet so near to so many people.
To learn about and imagine the emotions that I don’t understand or immediately empathise with: that is the affection I extend to others, and the only way to ensure that what’s inside of us doesn’t dry up or rot…’
In her, book, Baek wrote about how she thinks ‘empathy’ is a form of one’s ‘imagination’. I just think differently, or at least I don't vibe with her views. But that's alright, right? Different people, different views? Hopefully it resonates more with you than it did me.
‘There’s a desire to punish yourself, shall we say. You have this superego that exerts control over you, a superego built not only from your own experiences but cobbled together from all sorts of things that you admire, creating an idealised version of yourself. But that idealised version of yourself is, in the end, only an ideal. It’s not who you actually are. You keep failing to meet that ideal in the real world, and then you punish yourself. If you have a strict superego, the act of being punished eventually becomes gratifying. For example, if you’re suspicious of the love you’re receiving, and so act out until your partner lashes out and leaves you, you feel relief. You eventually become controlled more by imaginary outside forces than anything that is actually you.’
And to conclude, this Freudian bale of hay ultimately validated my feelings (of not being the right reader for the book). And to reiterate my point above, I truly hope this book can bring someone else comfort even though it did nothing for me. Why did I continue reading this even though I already knew halfway through that this wasn't for me? Well, to put it simply, I think Anton Hur is super cool, and I will read everything he translates/writes. Don't get me wrong, the experience wasn't awful at all, it just wasn't 'rewarding'/'fulfilling'.
I guess I should’ve just ate some ‘tteok’ instead of reading this. But if you’re someone who thinks that Sarah Kane’s work is too ‘heavy’, maybe Baek is just right for you. And that's actually better news for you (if one views books as mental/emotional 'litmus tests'). I just want to clarify again, that this is is a well-written book, but I’m just not the right reader. It's not the book, it's me, truly. For soft, comfy books with soft, comfy lines, I like Tablo’s Blonote.
March 9, 2024
The author is depressed, struggling with her mental health. We get to read the talks she has with her psychiatrist and we get a few mini essays basically that analyze her mental health issues. And these essays give us some valuable insight in what we can do to better our own mental health.
There some important lessons to be found in here. Like the mental struggles we face because of the pressure society puts on us to conform to the social norm. That it’s okay to embrace your feelings no matter what they are, as life is full of ups and downs. That a little bit of regular exercise can improve not just your physical health, but also your mental health. That you should not compare yourself to others. And that talking about your mental health issues with someone is nothing to be ashamed of.
Naturally, there are some cultural elements to be aware of. The titular tteokbokki is a prime example of that. It’s a spicy rice cake. A bit too spicy for me, but pretty good. So I can see why it’s such a popular street food in Korea. The most important thing is, this might be written by someone living in Korea to give you a real-life example but, the themes it tackles are universal.
Overall, a quick and easy read about the importance of our mental health with some real-life examples to show us that we’re not the only ones who occasionally struggle with it. It’s not the most exciting book to read to be honest and it feels quite light. But the valuable lessons it provides can make it an interesting read.
There some important lessons to be found in here. Like the mental struggles we face because of the pressure society puts on us to conform to the social norm. That it’s okay to embrace your feelings no matter what they are, as life is full of ups and downs. That a little bit of regular exercise can improve not just your physical health, but also your mental health. That you should not compare yourself to others. And that talking about your mental health issues with someone is nothing to be ashamed of.
Naturally, there are some cultural elements to be aware of. The titular tteokbokki is a prime example of that. It’s a spicy rice cake. A bit too spicy for me, but pretty good. So I can see why it’s such a popular street food in Korea. The most important thing is, this might be written by someone living in Korea to give you a real-life example but, the themes it tackles are universal.
Overall, a quick and easy read about the importance of our mental health with some real-life examples to show us that we’re not the only ones who occasionally struggle with it. It’s not the most exciting book to read to be honest and it feels quite light. But the valuable lessons it provides can make it an interesting read.
April 26, 2023
English: I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokpokki
This novel proves that good intentions don't guarantee good literature: Autofictional protagonist Baek suffers from persistent depressive disorder (PDD), and the text consists of talks with a therapist over the course of twelves weeks, illustrating how Baek can find a way to deal with her illness. Clearly, the book is meant as a weapon to fight the stigma around mental illness, it is supposed to function as a resource to give visibility to people who suffer from depression and who might feel alone - and these are important objectives, as depression is a potentially deadly illness that is still misunderstood by many people.
Alas, the book has a major problem: It is unbelievably boring. The educational impulse is overwhelming, protagonist Baek remains a chiffre, and the (highly professional) dynamic between her and her therapist doesn't allow for enough immersion. Also, you would expect more complexity from a novel that focuses on the guidance of a mental health professional - but then again, I suppose the author wanted to connect to younger people who are afraid to reach out for help, and for this demographic, this highly accessible approach might be justified.
Not for me, but I also love Tteokbokki.
This novel proves that good intentions don't guarantee good literature: Autofictional protagonist Baek suffers from persistent depressive disorder (PDD), and the text consists of talks with a therapist over the course of twelves weeks, illustrating how Baek can find a way to deal with her illness. Clearly, the book is meant as a weapon to fight the stigma around mental illness, it is supposed to function as a resource to give visibility to people who suffer from depression and who might feel alone - and these are important objectives, as depression is a potentially deadly illness that is still misunderstood by many people.
Alas, the book has a major problem: It is unbelievably boring. The educational impulse is overwhelming, protagonist Baek remains a chiffre, and the (highly professional) dynamic between her and her therapist doesn't allow for enough immersion. Also, you would expect more complexity from a novel that focuses on the guidance of a mental health professional - but then again, I suppose the author wanted to connect to younger people who are afraid to reach out for help, and for this demographic, this highly accessible approach might be justified.
Not for me, but I also love Tteokbokki.
November 27, 2022
like many people here, i wanted to read this because of the wholly relatable title. and i finally picked up the book during a really bad mental health week, which was actually a good choice because it was nice to escape into someone else's problems, self-analyses, and anxieties (although it did make me question whether i'm doing therapy right).
each chapter consists of a transcription of part of a therapy session, with reflections before and after. then in the end there's a note from see-hee's therapist, and see-hee finishes with a few personal essays about specific problems in her life. honestly, it seems like it must have been such a cathartic book to write. not only did se-hee forced herself to confront her issues in therapy, but she dug way deeper by choosing to write this book! that's next level.
it's short and easy to inhale, and in translation the writing style is very straightforward and simplistic. i underlined a few helpful nuggets of wisdom, but my principal reaction is a neutral "huh."
also: interesting to learn the term dysthymia, which describes "a state of constant, light depression." good to know.
each chapter consists of a transcription of part of a therapy session, with reflections before and after. then in the end there's a note from see-hee's therapist, and see-hee finishes with a few personal essays about specific problems in her life. honestly, it seems like it must have been such a cathartic book to write. not only did se-hee forced herself to confront her issues in therapy, but she dug way deeper by choosing to write this book! that's next level.
it's short and easy to inhale, and in translation the writing style is very straightforward and simplistic. i underlined a few helpful nuggets of wisdom, but my principal reaction is a neutral "huh."
also: interesting to learn the term dysthymia, which describes "a state of constant, light depression." good to know.
You're not hitting rock bottom right now. When we're sinking in water, it can be a relief to feel the ground beneath our feet, the rock bottom, because we know we can kick against it to rise again. But if you can't feel the ground in life, the fear can be overwhelming. So maybe it's good to find your rock bottom.
September 2, 2022
READING VLOG
Incredibly disappointing.
Goes to show that the cross-breed between memoir and self-help should NOT exist. I think this worked as a bestseller in Korea because the country has a looo000ng way to go in terms of mental health resources. (Yes, I once had a therapist tell me that I should eat more kimchi and get a girlfriend and stop being gay.)
America is far past this surface-leveled interest of wellness since our Woody Allen women who all went to shrinks and even our YoutubeBetterHelpsponsoredGetYour10%Off! ads and the overall millenial movement of Canva-concocted pastel infographs that parrot pretty nothings.
The literal Ctrl+C of the discussions you have with your psychiatrist do not hold any literary merit, which surprises me and puts into question the validity of creative writing courses in Korea. Did 언니 learn nothing?
왜 진짜 게을러요??? ㅜㅜ
By the end, 언니 comes off as shallow in such hollow writing better left on her naver blog.
If you're curious about what my coworkers think about on a daily basis with their weak ass sugary mix coffee, here it is.
If anything, I think this is for the 18 year old crossing the threshold of frightened independency and absolute insecurity to better understand how people function in the most clinical sense possible.
*additional star added to my review bc of pretty pink cover and some Korean texts mentioned that are perhaps more interesting than this book oop
Incredibly disappointing.
Goes to show that the cross-breed between memoir and self-help should NOT exist. I think this worked as a bestseller in Korea because the country has a looo000ng way to go in terms of mental health resources. (Yes, I once had a therapist tell me that I should eat more kimchi and get a girlfriend and stop being gay.)
America is far past this surface-leveled interest of wellness since our Woody Allen women who all went to shrinks and even our YoutubeBetterHelpsponsoredGetYour10%Off! ads and the overall millenial movement of Canva-concocted pastel infographs that parrot pretty nothings.
The literal Ctrl+C of the discussions you have with your psychiatrist do not hold any literary merit, which surprises me and puts into question the validity of creative writing courses in Korea. Did 언니 learn nothing?
왜 진짜 게을러요??? ㅜㅜ
By the end, 언니 comes off as shallow in such hollow writing better left on her naver blog.
If you're curious about what my coworkers think about on a daily basis with their weak ass sugary mix coffee, here it is.
If anything, I think this is for the 18 year old crossing the threshold of frightened independency and absolute insecurity to better understand how people function in the most clinical sense possible.
*additional star added to my review bc of pretty pink cover and some Korean texts mentioned that are perhaps more interesting than this book oop
May 4, 2022
Salah satu buku nonfiksi incaran tahun ini. Thank God, diterjemahkan dengan bagus pula.
Buatku pribadi, buku "sulit" dituntaskan. Bukan karena nggak bagus, tapi sesi tanya-jawab penulis dan psikiater ini bikin perasaan nggak nyaman. Esai yang ditulis penulis ini mungkin sebenarnya dekat banget sama keseharian aku pribadi. Dan perasaan penulis yang dituangkan dalam buku ini mungkin merupakan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang selalu ada di benakku.
Salah satu buku tentang mental illness yang bagus. Tapi tulisan penulis yang lebih ke "ringkasan" dari sesi tanya-jawab itu lebih membekas buatku.
Catatan teknis: Halaman warna pink (atau ungu?) nggak nyaman banget dibaca. Apalagi yang full begitu huhu. Dan kadang banyak spasi renggang (mungkin karena tipe dialog, beberapa kata yang nggak dipenggal bikin renggangnya jadi nggak nyaman dibaca). Selain itu, masih menemukan "rubah" di buku ini, haha.
Tapi kesimpulannya buku ini layak banget dibaca! :)
Volume keduanya juga udah aku baca & reviu: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
3.5
Buatku pribadi, buku "sulit" dituntaskan. Bukan karena nggak bagus, tapi sesi tanya-jawab penulis dan psikiater ini bikin perasaan nggak nyaman. Esai yang ditulis penulis ini mungkin sebenarnya dekat banget sama keseharian aku pribadi. Dan perasaan penulis yang dituangkan dalam buku ini mungkin merupakan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang selalu ada di benakku.
Salah satu buku tentang mental illness yang bagus. Tapi tulisan penulis yang lebih ke "ringkasan" dari sesi tanya-jawab itu lebih membekas buatku.
Catatan teknis: Halaman warna pink (atau ungu?) nggak nyaman banget dibaca. Apalagi yang full begitu huhu. Dan kadang banyak spasi renggang (mungkin karena tipe dialog, beberapa kata yang nggak dipenggal bikin renggangnya jadi nggak nyaman dibaca). Selain itu, masih menemukan "rubah" di buku ini, haha.
Tapi kesimpulannya buku ini layak banget dibaca! :)
Volume keduanya juga udah aku baca & reviu: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
3.5
July 21, 2022
I Want To Die But I Want To Eat Tteokbokki is a weird one. It’s not a five star read that blew my socks off, but oh myyy it was such a comforting one.
This is all about Baek’s mental health, which was timed perfectly with a lil blip of my own. Baek suffers from depression, but specifically persistent mild depression. As someone who feels simply ✨hollow✨ rather than having, say, violent feelings and suicidal desire, this book absolutely got it.
The book is a write up of Baek’s time in therapy discussing this, as well as how she tends to use food for comfort. Usually the psychologist in me means that I have issues over confidentially, but as this is specifically Baek’s own stuff, I think I’m okay.
Generally this book was pretty repetitive. Little progress was made and Baek needed lots of reassurance she was doing okay. It wasn’t gripping or exciting, but also, that’s what therapy is like.
It’s hard, it’s a long game, and although probably life changing, it doesn’t feel like it at the time. This one won’t give you a lightbulb moment, but it might make you feel very heard and a lil warm.
V nice - which is all you sometimes want in a book. And for me, it’s porridge when I’m sad. Maybe with cinnamon and slightly too ripe bananas, maybe with alpro chocolate milk, absolutely piping hot and thick.
This is all about Baek’s mental health, which was timed perfectly with a lil blip of my own. Baek suffers from depression, but specifically persistent mild depression. As someone who feels simply ✨hollow✨ rather than having, say, violent feelings and suicidal desire, this book absolutely got it.
The book is a write up of Baek’s time in therapy discussing this, as well as how she tends to use food for comfort. Usually the psychologist in me means that I have issues over confidentially, but as this is specifically Baek’s own stuff, I think I’m okay.
Generally this book was pretty repetitive. Little progress was made and Baek needed lots of reassurance she was doing okay. It wasn’t gripping or exciting, but also, that’s what therapy is like.
It’s hard, it’s a long game, and although probably life changing, it doesn’t feel like it at the time. This one won’t give you a lightbulb moment, but it might make you feel very heard and a lil warm.
V nice - which is all you sometimes want in a book. And for me, it’s porridge when I’m sad. Maybe with cinnamon and slightly too ripe bananas, maybe with alpro chocolate milk, absolutely piping hot and thick.
September 9, 2023
Spodziewałam się czegoś innego, ale ostatecznie i tak bardzo dobrze mi się ją czytało. Po rereadzie w polskim przekładzie mam taką samą opinię.
January 6, 2024
I am someone who is completely unique in this world, someone I need to take care of for the rest of my life, and therefore someone I need to help take each step forward,
warmly and patiently,
to allow to rest on some days and encourage on others.
It takes a lot of courage to bare one's internal struggles and deepest darkest secrets to the world, so I always hesitate before giving low ratings to books like this. This review is a reflection of my reading experience and not of the events that occurred in this book.
I bought this on a whim because I saw the quote above, gentle and subtle and warmly encouraging. Baek Se-hee, the author, has sky-high expectations of herself and is extremely self-critical, which is something I struggle with on a daily basis. At first blush, IWTDBIWTET seemed like everything I ever wanted. I felt like I'd found a kindred spirit going through the same thing I was. I decided to read this book to understand more about my own childhood trauma and why I was so much like her.
You keep obsessively holding yourself to these idealised standards, forcing yourself to fit them. It’s another way, among many, for you to keep punishing yourself.
This piece is uniquely heartfelt and candid, and Baek doesn't mince her words. Her memoirs and essays feel raw and emotional. Everything she wrote was painfully relatable. I too grapple with low self-esteem, being too critical (of myself and others), holding myself (and others) to obsessively high standards, letting myself show any measure of vulnerability, and a fundamental distrust towards others.
The real problem was how this principle began to apply to people as well. The more someone loved me, the more I got bored of them. Perhaps not bored – they ceased to sparkle in my eyes. The problem is, of course, my self-esteem. I look down on myself so much that I try to gain self-validation through the eyes of others. But because that’s not a validation that I am able to accept, there’s a limit to how satisfying it can be, and I become bored of it. Which is why I go looking for someone else, and ultimately why I think someone liking me cannot in itself satisfy me. I’m devastated if someone I like doesn’t like me, and devastated when someone does end up loving me; either way, I am looking at myself through the eyes of another. In the end, I’m torturing myself... I’ve got to accept that everyone has a flaw or two, and first and foremost, see myself as I am first. I must stop expecting myself to be perfect. The best I can do is to learn or realise something new every day.
That being said, I found it difficult to follow the stream-of-consciousness writing style at times. I don't know if some meanings were lost in translation, but instead of delivering the "intimate therapy memoir" it was marketed as, this book ended up being messy and all over the place, without any clear organisation or direction. And as many other readers have pointed out, Baek's psychiatrist was absolutely unprofessional. S/he gives intrusive personal advice, doesn't diagnose Baek properly, and doesn't seem to provide any concrete guidance in helping Baek understand her thought processes. In the end, reading this book was like experiencing someone's inner monologue: someone who's trying to figure out their own traumas and motivations, drifting from thought to thought at will. Without any context, it's difficult to keep up.
What do I wish for? I want to love and be loved. Without suspicion, and with ease. That’s it. I don’t know how to love or be loved properly, and that’s what pains me.
I wanted this book to be emotionally revitalising, thought-provoking, and poignant, but it disappointed on every front. Nevertheless, I saw myself in Baek's lived experiences, and I still enjoyed the candid way she dealt with her feelings and reactions.
Crossing those barriers between hot and cold, I forget the lukewarm boredom of life; that lukewarm state is what I fear the most. Unable to return to feeling hot or cold, to be numb within a state of room temperature. In that state, we’re nothing better than dead.
August 15, 2022
Thank you NetGalley for the ARC of I WANT TO DIE BUT I WANT TO EAT TTEOKPOKKI by Baek Se-hee, a memoir/self-help book. I finished reading this book tonight, and while it wasn't what I expected, there were things about it that I enjoyed.
I loved the concept. Se-hee displays vision, creativity, and courage. This project is the invention of a genre: The "MySelf-Help Book"!
Se-hee is blunt yet charming, I couldn't help but respect her throughout this book. The best parts of the text are her essays, which come at the beginning of each chapter, and at the end of the book.
A whole group of essays concludes the book, and this is the best material -- personal, honest, beautiful. My favorite essay is "A Life With No Modifiers" p170.
I had one really big problem with this book and that was that Se-hee's psychiatrist gave her terrible treatment. If the psychiatrist in this book was my psychiatrist, I wouldn't have returned after the first session. Definitely not after he mischaracterized rationalizing and told me to go ahead with it. For sure not after his terrible advice on how to address my excessive drinking. That way he would never have the chance to make me think for a whole ten minutes that I have a personality disorder I don't actually have.
Se-hee deserves better, but it's not her fault she didn't get it. People get sub-par mental health care every day, all over the world. So I'm only taking off one star, even though that guy needs a new calling. Like with plants.
Rating 4 stars
Finished August 2022
Recommended to fans of medical memoir, mental health self-help; readers interested in psychology, psychiatry; readers seeking diverse voices
✔️August Pick 1/10
✔️52 Book Club Summer Genre Challenge: Self-help
*Follow my Instagram book blog for all my reviews, challenges, and book lists! http://www.instagram.com/donasbooks *
I loved the concept. Se-hee displays vision, creativity, and courage. This project is the invention of a genre: The "MySelf-Help Book"!
Se-hee is blunt yet charming, I couldn't help but respect her throughout this book. The best parts of the text are her essays, which come at the beginning of each chapter, and at the end of the book.
A whole group of essays concludes the book, and this is the best material -- personal, honest, beautiful. My favorite essay is "A Life With No Modifiers" p170.
I had one really big problem with this book and that was that Se-hee's psychiatrist gave her terrible treatment. If the psychiatrist in this book was my psychiatrist, I wouldn't have returned after the first session. Definitely not after he mischaracterized rationalizing and told me to go ahead with it. For sure not after his terrible advice on how to address my excessive drinking. That way he would never have the chance to make me think for a whole ten minutes that I have a personality disorder I don't actually have.
Se-hee deserves better, but it's not her fault she didn't get it. People get sub-par mental health care every day, all over the world. So I'm only taking off one star, even though that guy needs a new calling. Like with plants.
Rating 4 stars
Finished August 2022
Recommended to fans of medical memoir, mental health self-help; readers interested in psychology, psychiatry; readers seeking diverse voices
✔️August Pick 1/10
✔️52 Book Club Summer Genre Challenge: Self-help
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January 4, 2024
this book made me so much more grateful for being in a good and healthy relationship with myself
it wasn't hard at all to realize that maybe not all therapy sessions in this book were successful, i would have liked some problems to be discussed more, not just followed by other questions, but i enjoyed learning about the author's family, her way of thinking and her view of relationships with other people
"That’s enough for me - why did I torture myself by comparing myself to someone else? If twenty-year-old me met me today, she would cry with joy. And that’s enough for me."
"When you said you felt so comfortable with me, it made me feel pathetic that I was feeling uncomfortable myself. I also wanted to feel comfortable, to feel safe, to speak and laugh, but my words just crumbled in my mouth. Even when I was with you, I was a shadow. A dark, dark thing, stuck to your side, imitating your every move."
"Emotions have something like passageways and if you keep blocking your bad emotions, you end up blocking your good emotions as well."
it wasn't hard at all to realize that maybe not all therapy sessions in this book were successful, i would have liked some problems to be discussed more, not just followed by other questions, but i enjoyed learning about the author's family, her way of thinking and her view of relationships with other people
"That’s enough for me - why did I torture myself by comparing myself to someone else? If twenty-year-old me met me today, she would cry with joy. And that’s enough for me."
"When you said you felt so comfortable with me, it made me feel pathetic that I was feeling uncomfortable myself. I also wanted to feel comfortable, to feel safe, to speak and laugh, but my words just crumbled in my mouth. Even when I was with you, I was a shadow. A dark, dark thing, stuck to your side, imitating your every move."
"Emotions have something like passageways and if you keep blocking your bad emotions, you end up blocking your good emotions as well."
May 6, 2023
Der Überraschungsbestseller aus Korea
Wow, was für ein KnallerBuch. 183 Seiten, die ich innerhalb von zwei Tagen verschlungen und dabei jede Seite mit jedem Wort aufgesogen habe.
Baek führt von außen betrachtet ein normales Leben: Sie hat einen Job in einem Verlag, der ihr Spaß macht, Freunde und eine Partnerschaft, die sie sehr erfüllt. Ihre Gefühle kann sie gegenüber jeder Person gut verbergen und strahlt eine Gelassenheit und Leichtigkeit aus. In ihrem Inneren ist Baek ängstlich, verzweifelt und niedergeschlagen und begibt sich daher in eine Therapie, denn es kostet sie viel Kraft diese Fassade aufrechtzuerhalten.
Das Buch beinhaltet den Dialog mit ihrem Therapeuten, sowie authentische und ehrliche Reflexionen über ihre eigene Person. Und genau das konnte mich absolut abholen und überzeugen. Das Geschriebene lädt zum Innehalten und Nachdenken ein. Es geht um das Ergründen der Ursachen von Gefühlen und alten Verhaltensmustern, die sie mit Hilfe der Therapie umpolen kann.
Ich hatte ein tolles Leseerlebnis und kann den Hype total nachvollziehen. Für mich persönlich ein kleines LeseHighLight.
Wow, was für ein KnallerBuch. 183 Seiten, die ich innerhalb von zwei Tagen verschlungen und dabei jede Seite mit jedem Wort aufgesogen habe.
Baek führt von außen betrachtet ein normales Leben: Sie hat einen Job in einem Verlag, der ihr Spaß macht, Freunde und eine Partnerschaft, die sie sehr erfüllt. Ihre Gefühle kann sie gegenüber jeder Person gut verbergen und strahlt eine Gelassenheit und Leichtigkeit aus. In ihrem Inneren ist Baek ängstlich, verzweifelt und niedergeschlagen und begibt sich daher in eine Therapie, denn es kostet sie viel Kraft diese Fassade aufrechtzuerhalten.
Das Buch beinhaltet den Dialog mit ihrem Therapeuten, sowie authentische und ehrliche Reflexionen über ihre eigene Person. Und genau das konnte mich absolut abholen und überzeugen. Das Geschriebene lädt zum Innehalten und Nachdenken ein. Es geht um das Ergründen der Ursachen von Gefühlen und alten Verhaltensmustern, die sie mit Hilfe der Therapie umpolen kann.
Ich hatte ein tolles Leseerlebnis und kann den Hype total nachvollziehen. Für mich persönlich ein kleines LeseHighLight.
January 4, 2021
In the light of World Mental Health Day...
Buku nonfiksi ini berisi rekapan percakapan antara si penulis–yang menderita Distimia–dengan psikiaternya selama prosesnya untuk bisa lebih menyayangi dirinya sendiri. Terjemahannya bagus, isinya menarik, tapi memang sebaiknya buku ini secara perlahan dan tidak dibaca dalam sekali duduk. Jadi pastikan ada rehat di sela-sela membaca.
Saya juga sangat mengapresiasi prakata dari Dr. Jiemi Ardian bahwa self-diagnosed itu tidak dianjurkan karena sangat mudah sekali bagi seseorang untuk melabeli kondisinya setelah membaca buku seperti ini.
“Hanya ada satu 'aku' di dunia. Dengan begitu aku adalah sesuatu yang amat spesial. Diriku adalah sesuatu yang harus kujaga selamanya. Diriku adalah sesuatu yang harus kubantu secara perlahan, kutuntun selangkah demi selangkah dengan penuh kasih sayang dan kehangatan. Diriku adalah sesuatu yang butuh istirahat sesaat sambil menarik napas panjang atau terkadang butuh cambukan agar bisa bergerak ke depan. Aku percaya aku akan menjadi semakin bahagia jika aku semakin sering melihat ke dalam diriku sendiri.” (h. 111)
Buku nonfiksi ini berisi rekapan percakapan antara si penulis–yang menderita Distimia–dengan psikiaternya selama prosesnya untuk bisa lebih menyayangi dirinya sendiri. Terjemahannya bagus, isinya menarik, tapi memang sebaiknya buku ini secara perlahan dan tidak dibaca dalam sekali duduk. Jadi pastikan ada rehat di sela-sela membaca.
Saya juga sangat mengapresiasi prakata dari Dr. Jiemi Ardian bahwa self-diagnosed itu tidak dianjurkan karena sangat mudah sekali bagi seseorang untuk melabeli kondisinya setelah membaca buku seperti ini.
“Pada akhirnya, buku ini berakhir bukan sebagai pertanyaan maupun jawaban, melainkan sebagai sebuah harapan.” (h. 190)
April 4, 2023
من این کتاب را فارسی خوندم از نشر دانش آفرین ،ترجمه ی روان و خوبی داشت،کتاب اولش خیلی جذبم کرد اکثر مشکلاتی که نویسنده در طول داستان درمانش عنوان میکرد مشکلات منم بود!و فکر میکنم اکثر زنان جامعه ی ایرانی این مشکلات را دارن حالا یه ذره فرهنگ کره متفاوت تره و بعضی جاها واقعا باورم نمیشد آدم ها را اینطوری تو کره قضاوت میکنن،اما اخرش نفهمیدم چی شد؟!؟مشکلات را خیلی خوب عنوان کرد ولی هیچ راه حلی برای هیچکدوم نداشت یعنی ممکنه این کتاب رو بخونی به امید اینکه اخرش یه راه حل ارائه داده که بتونی تو هم ازش استفاده کنی یا چیزی یاد بگیری اما هیچی .آیا پیشنهاد میکنم خوندن این کتاب را به کسی میکنم؟خیر جز پیشنهاداتم نیست و نخواهد بود
June 9, 2022
Thank you Bloomsbury, Edelweiss and Netgalley for the ARC, in exchange for an honest review.
The title and cover are excellent and I really wanted to like this book, but I’m afraid it isn’t for me. I DNF at page 74. I had expected this to be more of a memoir of depression with a bit of humour as well (the title and cover suggest at least that much) but it’s really a self-help book, existing of written down therapy sessions. I just couldn’t connect.
The title and cover are excellent and I really wanted to like this book, but I’m afraid it isn’t for me. I DNF at page 74. I had expected this to be more of a memoir of depression with a bit of humour as well (the title and cover suggest at least that much) but it’s really a self-help book, existing of written down therapy sessions. I just couldn’t connect.
July 14, 2023
I can see why some readers may find this story boring and mildly depressing but for me it was free therapy. As a grieving gay girlie in therapy herself, it felt good to relate to the writer’s therapy sessions, and although I didn’t LOVE the therapist’s answers at times, they were real. I don’t always love what my therapist says either! These days we’re all so quick to diagnose ourselves with something when really, we’re just having a hard time. It was insightful to be the fly on the wall in those deeply depressing conversations we so rarely have. People often put therapy on this all-healing, all-good pedestal and it was helpful to read it for what it is - talking. We all need someone to talk to, even if the answers are contradicting and confusing and not what we want to hear. I was pleasantly surprised by the chapters at the end too - what a treat! Read if you have low self esteem and are obsessed with how many likes you get on Instagram.
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