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What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

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A searing memoir of reckoning and healing by acclaimed journalist Stephanie Foo, investigating the little-understood science behind complex PTSD and how it has shaped her life

"Every cell in my body is filled with the code of generations of trauma, of death, of birth, of
migration, of history that I cannot understand. . . . I want to have words for what my bones know."

By age thirty, Stephanie Foo was successful on paper: She had her dream job as an award-winning radio producer at This American Life and a loving boyfriend. But behind her office door, she was having panic attacks and sobbing at her desk every morning. After years of questioning what was wrong with herself, she was diagnosed with complex PTSD--a condition that occurs when trauma happens continuously, over the course of years.

Both of Foo's parents abandoned her when she was a teenager, after years of physical and verbal abuse and neglect. She thought she'd moved on, but her new diagnosis illuminated the way her past continued to threaten her health, relationships, and career. She found limited resources to help her, so Foo set out to heal herself, and to map her experiences onto the scarce literature about C-PTSD.

In this deeply personal and thoroughly researched account, Foo interviews scientists and psychologists and tries a variety of innovative therapies. She returns to her hometown of San Jose, California, to investigate the effects of immigrant trauma on the community, and she uncovers family secrets in the country of her birth, Malaysia, to learn how trauma can be inherited through generations. Ultimately, she discovers that you don't move on from trauma--but you can learn to move with it.

Powerful, enlightening, and hopeful, What My Bones Know is a brave narrative that reckons with the hold of the past over the present, the mind over the body--and examines one woman's ability to reclaim agency from her trauma.

352 pages, Hardcover

First published February 22, 2022

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Stephanie Foo

2 books1,035 followers

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Displaying 1 - 30 of 5,550 reviews
Profile Image for Thomas.
1,605 reviews9,918 followers
June 5, 2022
Okay I loved this memoir! It has the same therapy appeal of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone though with more attention paid to how culture and race affect mental health. In What My Bones Know, accomplished journalist Stephanie Foo writes about receiving a diagnosis of complex posttraumatic stress disorder and the steps she took to heal herself. One of the elements of this book I enjoyed right from the start includes how Foo writes about her trauma with such realness and vulnerability. The physical and emotional abuse her parents put her through felt painful to read though also cathartic as a fellow survivor of child abuse. In addition to destigmatizing child abuse and PTSD, Foo shed lights on her estrangement from her father that occurred later in her life. I imagine this book will feel comforting for folks who have also experienced difficult family dynamics, as Foo does not hold back about her pain even as she persists in her path forward to healing.

I also appreciated the nuance in which Foo wrote about Asian American mental health and intergenerational trauma. She avoids a simplistic and flattening explanation of “tiger parents” and opts to explore the impacts of intergenerational trauma instead. I found it both compassionate and assertive of her to recognize the immense struggles her parents and ancestors faced while at the same time recognizing the not-okayness of how her parents treated her.

What I felt most moved by in this memoir: Foo’s determination to heal. As someone who’s greatly benefited from years of receiving therapy myself and who works as a mental health clinician, I always admire when people are committed to addressing their issues even when it feels painful as heck. In addition to writing about the rewarding parts of help-seeking, Foo also shares the many ugly parts, like the difficulty of finding a therapist who actually felt helpful, the costs associated with therapy and how therapists are often underpaid, and her doubts about herself as someone capable of living a healthy and relationally-satisfying life. Despite these adversities, she somehow kept going, kept trying new and incrementally-helpful approaches like EMDR and gratitude journaling. When she writes about finding the therapist – Dr. Jacob Ham – who really helped her with her complex PTSD toward the end of the book and what her work with him consisted of, I found myself getting teary-eyed because it reminded me of my first long-term therapist who helped me heal from my own PTSD, as well as my own work as a clinician. Without a doubt one of the most genuine and most skillful portrayals of therapy I’ve seen across all forms of media.

Overall I would recommend this book to anyone interested in mental health, race and/or Asian American identity, and well-written stories imbued with self-awareness. Big kudos to Stephanie Foo for writing this book, an amazing accomplishment.
Profile Image for Cindy.
464 reviews123k followers
January 1, 2023
The best book I’ve read all year. As an Asian woman who also grew up from San Jose and chased external success to fill the void of family trauma and mental illness, Foo’s memoir hit very close to home. The beginning is tough to get through as she recounts the physical and verbal abuse she faced throughout childhood, yet it was the last 1/3 that made me cry as I read about the relief, happiness, and love she found in the end. Gut-wrenching and so well-written.
Profile Image for Nina (ninjasbooks).
1,116 reviews708 followers
May 7, 2023
This is one of the best memoirs I’ve read about living with complex PTSD. It was a heartbreaking recollection of a shattering childhood and overcoming the beast within. It is about searching for answers and healing slowly, and I’m so happy her journey is out there to inspire and help others.
Profile Image for Elyse Walters.
4,010 reviews11.2k followers
March 5, 2022
Audiobook…. Read by the author, Stephanie Foo
…..10 hours and 2 minutes

This is a very powerful [masterful in fact]….
‘memoir/educational’ book
about mental illness. - connected with physical illnesses —a wide range of behaviors— long-term brain alteration from abuse in early childhood — and other emotional struggles.
With such a general statement, I understand I’ve not offered up anything particularly enticing to encourage others to read this.

“I know, I know, we’ve read these books before”.
They’ve been around for decades.
So, what’s different about this book?

Well….am I the only person to have just learned about
*COMPLEX* PTSD?
The fastest way I can describe the difference between PTSD and complex PTSD is think of Covid versus long Covid.
Stephanie Foo goes into great detail about ‘complex’ PTSD….the kind of information I believe could be very helpful for many people. Whether a victim or antagonist.

Even if you’re squeaky clean— *Super Duper* happy barely even know what the word depression means—-(man, I love you and want to be you),
anyone who knows anybody who has suffered with any form of mental illness, PTSD, abuse, estrangement, and other forms of trauma—-this is still an amazing worthy book to read.

Listening to the audiobook?: definitely two thumbs up. 👍🏻👍🏻

Stephanie Foo did a phenomenal job sharing her personal life experience with childhood depression, on-going long term depression, abandonment, childhood abuse, and the repercussions of trauma.

The spoiler — that’s not a spoiler — because Stephanie told us the spoiler herself at the beginning, is:
“It has a happy ending”.

I highly recommend this book unless you are one of those people who is completely against any self help, type of book, and/or a memoir.
Otherwise it’s a phenomenal highly engaging (no drifter bore here), enlightening read!

Stephanie Foo kept removing blinders.
Like for some people who get cataract surgery, all of a sudden their vision is clear— the same theory can be applied to this book.

TERRIFIC CONTRIBUTION… not preachy!!!!
PERSONAL- EDUCATIONAL- POWERFUL!!!
Profile Image for Melanie.
1,209 reviews101k followers
May 16, 2023
“So this is healing, then, the opposite of the ambiguous dread: fullness. I am full of anger, pain, peace, love, of horrible shards and exquisite beauty, and the lifelong challenge will be to balance all of those things, while keeping them in the circle. Healing is never final. It is never perfection. But along with the losses there are triumphs. I accept the lifelong battle and its limitations now. Even though I must always carry the weight of grief on my back, I have become strong.”

this is a heavy read, but it really is life changing. i really will forever think differently upon reading this, because it really made me realize a lot about myself - how i cope, how i soothe, how i view perfectionism, how i feel dread, how i carry my father inside my heart and bones at all times, and how my grandmother who immigrated to the us from the philippines carried us both alongside her before that. i really and truly recommend this to anyone, but especially diaspora friends / friends who are the children + grandchildren of immigrants, and extra if you are asian american. but please also make sure you check content warnings and are in the right headspace.

i am just so grateful this book exists. and i hope everyone who is reading this review gets to feel their happiness and safety a little bit more deeply, alongside every other deep feeling we sometimes can't control feeling. our bodies are capable of such incredible things, but so are our hearts and who we choose to love with them.

blog | instagram | youtube | kofi | spotify | amazon
Profile Image for Megan.
435 reviews1,147 followers
May 6, 2023
Reading What My Bones Know as a therapist whose main specialties are developmental trauma and attachment was difficult and infuriating at times. I often take for granted how much easier it is to access mental health care in my state versus others across the country. Attunement is the most essential element in the client-therapist relationship to foster healing, so I get really upset when therapists forget this! Stephanie Foo is so vulnerable, insightful, and authentic in this beautiful, beautiful memoir!

Just a small clarification from the text - psychologists do not necessarily have more training than LCSWs and LPCCs. Psychologists have more training in psychological testing to determine diagnoses, but not in providing actual therapy.
Profile Image for Lupita Reads.
109 reviews168 followers
March 10, 2022
Truly cannot stop thinking about how fundamentally life-changing it is. Truly one of my favorite books of the year & idc that we are only 3 months into the new year. What Foo delivers in this book as an Asian immigrant woman navigating mental illness but most importantly the reality of what mental care takes is something the world needs. I only hope that writing it has tremendously helped her on her life journey because what she’s given to the world in this book is irreplaceable. If you’ve ever read THE BODY KEEPS A SCORE & wondered what the many mentioned treatments look like in practice & navigating them as a non-white person - I’d urge you to go pick this one up ASAP.
Profile Image for Sarah.
402 reviews90 followers
December 23, 2023
I spent five years as a literature and grammar teacher to advanced students in Fremont, California. Around 80% were South Asian, and the remaining 20% were mostly Northeast and Southeast Asian. In almost every case, their parents immigrated to America to attend Ivy League colleges, then accepted offers at Silicon Valley companies like Facebook, Google, and eBay.

With very few exceptions, these students worked extremely hard. In addition to being “A” students, most volunteered locally, joined math and robotics clubs, and kicked ass on debate teams.

With zero exceptions, students told me they felt stressed and over-scheduled. We even had a running joke about the math and science “workbooks” their parents made them do during "free" time.

Me: It’s the weekend… enjoy those workbooks, ya’ll.
Students: Groan
Me: It’s holiday break… A Very Merry Workbook to you!
Students: Groan

I’m telling you this because Stephanie Foo ties her personal - and considerable - childhood trauma to the broader context of child abuse in California’s highly educated Asian immigrant communities. As part of her research, she visited high achieving, predominantly Asian schools near my old campus. When she spoke to teachers, they told her the biggest problem students face is feeling too much pressure to get good grades, so they'll get into good colleges.

But here’s the thing… when she spoke to school therapists and social workers, they laughed at the teachers' naiveté. Instead, they told darker stories of pervasive physical and sometimes sexual abuse, in addition to scholastic pressures. One school counselor said she assumes every student who walks into her office is being - at the very least - physically abused on a regular basis. This is her default assumption because it’s so common.

Now I can’t stop thinking of my old students, re-playing our conversations in my head. What hints did I miss? What questions should I have asked?

I mean, I used to work with severely traumatized kids, so I’ve gotten good at recognizing the tell-tale signs of abuse. Every day as a teacher, I kept an eye out for bruises, dissociation, mood swings, hyper-sexualization, etc. And I intentionally broached topics related to abuse in my classroom because I’m not an idiot. Where there are kids, there’s always potential for abuse. Still, I very rarely had any cause for suspicion, apart from students’ abnormally high stress levels.

Had I read this book back then, I could have been a more informed and therefore a more diligent protector. If my students were being abused - and Foo’s research says this is likely - the signs were hiding beneath this constant scapegoat of pressure to succeed. Like, maybe kids' stress wasn’t just about school pressure, though it sooo seemed to be.

Here’s one more unpleasant truth: Foo says even when school counselors report abuse, social workers pull up to students’ gorgeous McMansions, see successful Asian parents, and dig no further. They can’t see trauma because the kids aren’t living in public housing, they’re eating organic groceries from Whole Foods instead of donations from the food bank, and they're getting straight "A"s in school instead of flunking out and beating up teachers. In a very real way, these children’s socio-economic privilege and the "model minority" stereotype leaves them vulnerable to parental abuse, which is a damn shame.

Foo ties this rampant abuse to parents' historical trauma in their home countries, a portion of which was caused by messy American "interventions," such as The Vietnam War. I won't get into that, though, because this review is getting long.

Last thing: I’m focusing on this angle for my review because it’s done a number on my head. But you should know this memoir is also very personal, raw, funny and helpful in practical ways to anyone who’s experienced complex, persistent trauma in life. Especially in the second half, when Foo tries every form of therapy under the sun, readers get an idea of what to expect from different types of treatment, and they get a sense of what may - or may not - work for different personality types. The audiobook even includes recorded excerpts from sessions with her final - and most helpful - therapist, whom I fell in love with because he’s such a transparent, humble, skilled practitioner. I want him to be my therapy daddy.

This is a terrific book. I’m giving it five stars because Foo offers such a beautiful, well-balanced mix of skilled storytelling and meticulous research. It's rare to come across a memoir that so deftly ties personal trauma to its larger socio-historical context and backs up each correlation with hardcore data that is somehow not at all dry.

Woo is the shit, man. I ended this book wishing to be her friend.

Book/Song Pairing: Luka (Suzanne Vega)

Note: I also want to be clear that Asia is a very big continent and at the time Foo was in school, the specific percentage of South to Southeast to Northeast Asian immigrants working in Bay Area tech may have been very different than when I was teaching, years later. I'll have to research this on my own. I want to say this because even though facts are facts (Woo provides data on a very specific demographic of highly educated "Asian" immigrants in a very specific region of California), there's perhaps more nuance to be explored here. Anyway, disclaimer delivered.
Profile Image for Sue.
1,307 reviews577 followers
May 1, 2022
In this often searing, sad and powerful memoir, Stephanie Foo has given us a portrait of her childhood and the trauma that resulted in her being diagnosed with Complex PTSD when she was in her mid 20s. Along with the trauma and her struggles, Foo presents her path seeking help through medical, psychiatric and alternative therapies. As she is a journalist, and has been for years, documenting this journey is natural for her. She writes of her harrowing childhood as a Malayasian immigrant of Chinese descent, living in San Jose with parents who she can't please or understand. The details of the abuse and neglect are graphic.

Somehow Stephanie moves on to a "next" phase, finishing school after a fashion, finding work, developing skills as a journalist/editor in radio. But all the while she is aware that she is functioning on the edge. Her relationships, of all types, are fraught with doubt about herself and others. That leads to the major shift in her life - when she learns of her diagnosis of C-PTSD and its significance and difficulties. She takes her reportorial skills and seeks answers. The path is neither linear nor easy, but she does find a path. And there is so much valuable information in this book. I believe Foo has done a service to others in outlining something that is so personal but also, undoubtedly has so many victims.

Highly recommended but with the caveat that it is at times a difficult book to read.

A copy of this book was provided by the publisher through NetGalley in return for an honest review.
Profile Image for may ➹.
510 reviews2,377 followers
December 15, 2022
my fav books of the year are shaping up to be memoirs by Asian women about going through trauma and parental neglect, then growing up and healing and learning how to accept others’ love… I love this genre ❤️ I love love ❤️ I cried not at the harrowing horrible parts about her abuse but the parts about love ❤️

rtc
Profile Image for Candace .
296 reviews43 followers
July 25, 2022
Good things-
1. Foo does an excellent job of describing how she felt and the things she went through after her diagnosis of complex ptsd. For example, she does not trust people and assumes people mean the worst. She explains how hard it was for her to find a therapist that fit her needs and her pocketbook. There is a lot more of this that is good. There ARE a lot of issues that result from complex ptsd and Foo describes them well.

Problematic for me-
1. When Foo describes the events that led up to her diagnosis, I do not feel any of the feelings she later describes that she felt. Maybe she detaches herself for health reasons, but I don’t think this memoir is the appropriate time for that. Maybe it’s just me that feels a disconnect?

2. Instead of a memoir, it is half memoir and half journalism series. Foo goes into detail about her search for what is known about complex ptsd; she includes what she learns and the sources in her book. She does the same with treatments available and various statistics. This combination would have worked well if it had been more memoir and less various textbooks.

3. Foo takes a trip back to her old community to see if she was the only one abused. I got a little confused in this section. She talks about the effects of tiger moms, but also describes what her ancestors from Malaysia suffered through (along with other traumas) and somehow tied this into an intergenerational trauma discussion. This was not tied together well at all. This was my least favorite part of the book, even though I am very interested in intergenerational trauma.

I do appreciate her bringing more attention to complex ptsd —complex ptsd is Ptsd in people that have suffered ongoing trauma ( not one instance of trauma, but rather over years ). It is not recognized in the DSM-IV as a separate disease than ptsd, yet when trying to get help one immediately comes up against problems in recognized treatments.

I think Foo’s writing style did not suit me, though this subject matter was enough to keep me interested.
Profile Image for Emma.catherine.
395 reviews17 followers
February 28, 2024
4.5 🌟

I very rarely read memoirs but when I heard of this one written by the brave and resilient Stephanie Foo I HAD to read it.

It is essentially a memoir of healing from c-PTSD also known as complex post traumatic stress disorder - one of the mental health struggles I battle daily. She very carefully and thoughtfully wrote a note at the start to warn us what we are in for and promised us a happy ending.

I could not put this book down. I don’t whether it’s because I related to it SO much. It was achingly absorbing and accurate. I didn’t want it to end but if it was going to end I am glad it did the way it did. My journey of c-ptsd hasn’t reached the end yet but Stephanie has given me the real hope I really desperately needed to hear right now. It’s not something a psychologist can cure in a year it takes yearssss, if not decades to relearn everything you accepted as truth.

Throughout the book Stephanie speaks eloquently and knowledgeably about issues, such as dissociation, self-soothing and the nervous system. As well as sharing quotes that I felt deeply connected to:

“Achievement was my constant. My comfort.”

“If I hadn’t lost the things that allowed me to believe everything was fine. If I hadn’t lost work.”

“gratitude turns what we have into enough” - this may help with the symptoms but not cure the underlying condition

Foo has also created a wonderful balance of personal experience versus information throughout the book. She not only speaks of her own traumatic experiences but also discusses a wide range of different therapies and how they have worked for her. I found this very helpful and comforting to see how another person has dealt with years of trying to heal.

Whether you suffer with C-PTSD or not I believe this is an important and interesting read for all. I also want to say to any of you out there that have suffered trauma OF ANY KIND!!!! Please reach out for help. I know it’s super hard. It took me a very long time to get help before I met the wonderful lady that has saved my life (literally) on multiple occasions but I have been with her nearly 3 years now and although I am nowhere near being ‘better’, I do have an incredibly person in my life that I can share absolutely anything with, without any form of judgement. It’s often a lonely, hopeless world out there if you have suffered deeply but there will be one person that at the least will understand you and will listen to you.

One very important lesson that stood out to me, one that my clinical psychologist talks about, is that we have to reject the idea if punishing ourselves to solve the problem and find love instead. To a C-PTSD patient with may be completely unintuitive but highly impactful for healing.

While it wasn’t exactly the happy ending I was hoping for and I don’t want to spoil the ending for anyone who intends to read this powerful book but in the end Stephanie is a force to be reckoned with. She has hope and isn’t that all we really want?
Profile Image for Traci Thomas.
661 reviews11.6k followers
February 27, 2022
There’s some really interesting stuff in this book. Parts 1 and 5 were my favorite. The way Foo ties her story to the science of complex ptsd is really well done and accessible. It’s dragged in the middle and felt very repetitive.
Profile Image for Morgan Blackledge.
680 reviews2,246 followers
December 25, 2022
What my bones know (WMBK) is a lot of things.

It’s a starkly honest and brave biography, a natural experiment, an exquisite piece of investigative journalism, a completely irresponsible misrepresentation of psychotherapy, and perhaps the very best representation of psychotherapy I can think of, it’s a desperate cry for help, a self aware declaration of resilience and hard earned strength, a rare phenomenological account of a profound bio-psycho-social-spiritual awakening, a deeply healing recovery narrative, a laugh out loud, howl in agonizing cathartic tears, life changing, game changing read.

WMBK is author Stephenie Foo’s autobiography of ATROCIOUS abuse in her family of origin, compounded by racism, and subsequent complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) and her decades long recovery journey.

In case you didn’t know:

CPTSD is the 2022 diagnosis dijour, de rigor, due in part to this book, and its predecessors e.g. the Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

AND!

And…

Thanks to its recent inclusion as an official diagnosis in the brand spanking new International Classification of Diseases 11th Revision (ICD-11).

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) happens as a result of acute (intense/brief) exposure to traumatic shit like combat, assault, disaster, automobile accidents, train wrecks, 2016-2020, SCOTUS, etc.

PTSD symptoms include:
* Re-experiencing (intrusive flashbacks).
* Avoidance of trauma linked stimuli.
* Negative trauma linked alterations in cognition and mood.
* Hyper arousal.

So, in other words. When you are triggered in your trauma, you might have flashbacks, you feel really bad, you drink, or think or dip out to avoid feeling bad, you’re hella tense in your body, you’re jumpy and you startle easily, and you’re always or very frequently tripping that something horrible it’s gonna happen.

CPTSD is a sibling diagnosis to PTSD, wherein the trauma exposure is chronic (occurring over prolonged periods) and typically involves stuff like childhood neglect/abuse, intimate partner violence, bullying, racism, sexism, classism, homophobia.

So America basically.

CPTSD has all the symptoms of PTSD (see above), plus, an additional cluster of goodness referred to as: disturbances in self organization (DSO).

CPTSD/DSO include:

* Affective dysregulation.
* Negative self-concept.
* Disturbances in relationships.

In other words. When you get activated in you’re complex trauma, you get all the PTSD stuff, plus you can’t control your emotions, you feel pervasive feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt, you find it hard to feel connected with other people, you have hella problems in your relationships, you have trouble keeping friends and you always have drama.

And, as an added bonus, both PTSD and CPTSD have Extremely high rates of co-occurring ADDICTION.

Just to sweeten the deal.

Anyway.

As mentioned.

WMBK is all about the authors AMAZING recovery journey, her healing relationship with her husband, and her amazing relationship with her AWESOME therapist Dr. Jakob Ham.

I’ll spare you the details.

But…

After TONS of bad therapy.

She finally meets Dr. Ham.

They do AMAZING relational psychodynamic work together.

And.

BEST PART!

They record their sessions.

And they included some of the actual sessions in the audiobook.

It’s magic.

WMBK is about:

Healing.

Facing the fear.

Feeling an healing from chronic shame.

Embracing imperfection.

Fucking up hella bad.

Staying at it.

Loving love.

And.

As such.

Becoming alive.

WMBK is an infuriating, consternating, enlightening, enlightened, crazy beautiful, heart rending, catastrophe of a masterpiece of a train wreck of a fountain head of wisdom of a shit show of a so wrong it’s not even wrong of a love letter to love of a beautiful book.

God!

Thank you Stephanie Foo for being so GOD DAMED REAL!!!

And.

Thank you Dr. Jacob Ham for being so GOD DAMED REAL!!!

Words fail.

Love doesn’t.

5/5 flaming dumpsters full of stars and hearts (🔥🗑️⭐️❤️)
Profile Image for Alison.
46 reviews13 followers
February 27, 2022
Yesterday I logged onto Goodreads, the website that tracks the books you and your friends are reading, and I noticed that an old college classmate had marked a book "to-read": What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing From Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo. "Ooh a new trauma book?" I thought, my interest piqued. Turns out this book was very new—the newest. It was released on the auspicious 2/2/22, mere days ago.

I wondered if her story and insights would be boring since I've been spending at minimum 40 hours a week for the past 3 years working in this field here at PACEs Connection, and since I had done so much reading on the subject already. A review in Goodreads assured me that even if I had read all the trauma books, this one would keep my attention.

"By age 30, Stephanie Foo was successful on paper: She had her dream job as an award-winning radio producer at This American Life and a loving boyfriend. But behind her office door, she was having panic attacks and sobbing at her desk every morning. After years of questioning what was wrong with herself, she was diagnosed with complex PTSD - a condition that occurs when trauma happens continuously, over the course of years.

Both of Foo’s parents abandoned her when she was a teenager, after years of physical and verbal abuse and neglect. She thought she’d moved on, but her new diagnosis illuminated the way her past continued to threaten her health, relationships, and career. She found limited resources to help her, so Foo set out to heal herself, and to map her experiences onto the scarce literature about C-PTSD.

In this deeply personal and thoroughly researched account, Foo interviews scientists and psychologists and tries a variety of innovative therapies. She returns to her hometown of San Jose, California, to investigate the effects of immigrant trauma on the community, and she uncovers family secrets in the country of her birth, Malaysia, to learn how trauma can be inherited through generations. Ultimately, she discovers that you don’t move on from trauma - but you can learn to move with it." (Amazon description)

I downloaded the audiobook and dove in.

Immediately in the introduction, she details the moment she got her C-PTSD diagnosis and how she arrived to work, stared blankly at her computer, and just could not even. "Gah!" I thought, "I remember this exact moment for myself." I had gotten my Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) diagnosis (albeit an unofficial one since this isn't in the DSM), and arrived at work Monday morning in June of 2016 after reading Jonice Webb's Running On Empty: Overcoming Childhood Emotional Neglect, and I didn't feel normal. I couldn't really see the screen. Everyone in the office seemed like alien beings. Or rather, I was the alien being. "Maybe I can't do human life," I thought, "maybe I need to go live on one of those therapy ranches with horses. Yeah, maybe I need to do horse life instead of human life."

I felt seen. And validated.

I don't want to give too many spoilers to her book. It was a delight to hear each and every insight she got as she scraped her way forward, fighting tooth and nail for healing. But I will discuss a couple of things so if you want to know nothing more about this book, turn back now. I highly recommend the Audible version, read by the author.

As I listened to her story, I couldn't help but think of the life parallels between her and Darrell Hammond, featured in Michelle Esrick's film Cracked Up. "I hope she saw this film, so she doesn't feel alone," I kept thinking. Then she got to the part where she met Dr. Jacob Ham, who she'd heard on a podcast with Darrell and Michelle. "Yes!" I thought.

I got to meet Dr. Ham, virtually, when he joined Cracked Up: The Evolving Conversation, the series I got to help produce here at PACEs Connection in 2020. I just loved his soft yet powerful way of speaking. I had so many lightbulb moments as he talked about the importance of relational healing which was called "The Art of Attunement". My mom had watched that episode and she and I were able to have a healing mother-daughter talk about trauma and our relationship as a result. "Do all trauma healing roads lead back to this one therapist?" I thought. (*Note: You can watch that episode here. It's Ep5. It's worth the $12.50.)

Stephanie Foo then gives us the most amazing gift—recorded therapy sessions between her and Dr. Ham. More insight into the art of attunement, session by session, insight by hard-won insight. I texted my mom, "Dr. Jacob Ham is in the book!! He becomes the author's therapist! She plays their recorded therapy sessions in the audiobook!" "Oh geez—I must read!" she responded. Yeah, we're super fans.

It was healing to read Foo's story and see myself sometimes reflected back. "Same ACEs score," and, "Okay but Pret-a-Manger does have some dank wraps," were two notes I put into my Notes app on my iPhone. The part that felt the most healing to me personally was about the cold, hard shell Foo put around herself as a teen and young adult. I still have trouble forgiving the 14-year-old version of myself that got angry and poked my friend with the pen I'd had in my hand in class in middle school, drawing blood. I hadn't realized how angry I'd become at him, who was poking me with his finger over and over again during an exam. I was called into the principal's office and suspended from school for "assault with a deadly weapon." That same year I had pushed a close girlfriend of mine really hard in a moment of intense anger. I started to internalize the idea that there was something wrong with me. I was a bad kid.

In adulthood, I've often gotten the feedback that I've had edges. I'm direct, blunt, and sometimes hard to be around. It's hard I think because women especially are supposed to be soft, warm, and accommodating. I was a traitor to my gender. I was violent, angry, hardened. "No one wants me like this. I'm too hard to love," I've often thought. I've done much of the same healing work that Foo has described in her book, but I still was finding it almost impossible to forgive this past, and sometimes still present (sans violent attacks), version of myself.

Extending compassion to Foo as she shares so vulnerably the ways she didn't show up for a friend in need, the times she was rude, the times people didn't love her behavior has had the effect of letting me extend this same compassion to myself.

This is the power of storytelling.

Thank you, Stephanie, for the gift of your story: raw, vulnerable, transformational, messy, eloquent, captivating. I finished this book with awe and gratitude.

For those of you reading this blog, no matter what type of trauma you've had or where you are on your journey, there's something for you in this book. Her commitment to the truth empowers each and every one of us to more clearly see our own truths. Her commitment to healing empowers each of us to keep showing up, asking for help, and doing the work. Her commitment to love gives us each permission to soften our hearts and let people in.

Go get this book. Do not delay.

Review originally posted here: https://www.pacesconnection.com/blog/...
Profile Image for Jessica J..
1,042 reviews2,218 followers
April 5, 2022
I don't even know where to begin other than to say that this might be the best memoir about trauma that I have ever read. And, y'all, I have read a lot of memoirs about mental health.

If you had asked me a week ago, when I picked this book up from the library holds locker, if I would find so much to relate to in the story of a young woman who had immigrated from Malaysia and was later abandoned by parents who blamed her for their marital strife while swinging golf clubs at her head, I probably would have said no. But there is so much about Stephanie Foo's response to trauma and her therapy journey that reminds me of my own.

Foo writes with a great deal of insight and self-compassion about the process of trying different therapeutic approaches to treating her complex PTSD, which is a unique diagnosis when the trauma is repeated over a period of years (as opposed to isolated incidents, such as war, the way we often think of PTSD). Because she is a journalist by trade, Foo presents these different approaches with a certain level of attachment. She explains what they are and how they are supposed to work, leaning heavily on research and often speaking with practitioners of these therapies. But because she is also a storyteller by trade, she also thoughtfully explores how various approaches did and did not help her and what she learned along the way. She also spends a great deal of time exploring cultural factors that may have impacted her parents and exacerbated her trauma. She does it all with a sense of hope that things can get better—for her, and for others.

This is by no means an easy book to read, but I highly, highly recommend it to anyone struggling to process hard shit that's happened in their life. Foo's insight helped me draw connections between things that happened to me as a child and the behaviors I exhibit today. She helped me reframe some of my experiences as not just "shitty parenting" but actual traumatic events. Even though my therapist has described certain events from my life as traumatizing for years, it didn't click for me just how traumatizing they were until I read about similar events in Foo's life. I recognized some of my own patterns as dissociation. And, most importantly, Foo presented some new tools that I hope can help me find more peace in my own journey. I'm so grateful I read this book.
Profile Image for K.
240 reviews828 followers
August 23, 2022
I sadly did not love this book. I think foo is an excellent audiobook narrator probably because of her years of podcasting experience, and I would recommend audiobook because you can actually hear her therapy sessions.

I think what troubles me about this memoir is a perceived lack of self awareness regarding the military industrial complex. Foo mentions her husband being in the military as a reason for his “nuance” then never really mentions it again. She then dedicates entire sections to epigenetics and inherited trauma caused by war, particularly due to US invasions in other Asian countries. It just really felt distracting that she doesn’t name that her husband participating in the US war machine likely 1. Killed people and 2. Created the conditions for people to develop their own versions of CPTSD. And that’s fine, this book is about her not her husband. But towards the end he became such a central focus in the book it was difficult to not think about every time he was mentioned. This, and also the lack of explanation for why many people do not agree with ideas surrounding epigenetics, along with some (for lack of a better word) corny? Phrasing also turned me off.

However, I would still recommend this book to others with these caveats.
Profile Image for Monica | readingbythebay.
204 reviews22 followers
February 21, 2022
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 5/5. Whoa. Read this one asap.

My sincere thanks to @netgalley, @randomhouse, and Ballantine Books for an advance review copy. All thoughts are my own.

Part memoir, part investigative journalism, Foo writes with humor, insight and honesty about her life as a survivor of childhood abuse, her subsequent adulthood diagnosis of complex ptsd, and her journey through various forms of therapy. Foo’s voice reminds me a little bit of Chanel Miller’s (author of the brilliant memoir Know My Name) and Michelle Zauner’s (author of the moving Crying in H Mart), but Foo’s voice is wholly her own. It takes guts to be this vulnerable.

I don’t have the right superlatives for how good this was. Foo’s exploration of how trauma is genetically passed down from generation to generation went beyond what I had encountered before and was so enlightening. Another part that stood out for me was when Foo decided to seek out a new OBGYN after feeling like she wasn’t being “seen” following her endometriosis diagnosis. Around the halfway mark, the story got a little bit bogged down in research and statistics, but it quickly picked back up again and more than held my attention through to the end. I felt so many emotions, perhaps the most surprising being pride that Foo was able to keep her fighting spirit and accomplish so much.

Great memoirs are often brutal. This one certainly is, but it is also hopeful and even helpful. It gave me insights into some of my own behaviors and relationships that I had not considered previously that I am inspired to look at more closely. I would absolutely recommend this book ~just published ~ to any and all readers, but please check the trigger warnings!!! A new favorite for me!
Profile Image for Robin.
456 reviews131 followers
March 14, 2022
This one goes out to all my second-gen babes who needed those good grades like air, who buckled under the whip of filial piety, who still feel trapped in the yoke of perfectionism.

Generational trauma is a newer concept in my life, the idea that the origin of my anxiety and my depression is my family’s tumultuous history. That my own issues could be attributed to past suffering so profound that it ingrained itself into my family’s genetic code and was, ultimately, passed down to me. That some events wound so deep that they literally embed themselves into one’s bones and the bones of their children and their children’s children.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of Stephanie Foo’s memoir. What My Bones Know is a gut-wrenching exploration of her own mental health journey and diagnosis of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) through the lens of her past, present, and prognosis. Foo’s acerbic writing style helps the reader understand the repeated trauma of her abusive childhood and subsequent actions without pitying her. What My Bones Know is a triumph in its testament to Foo's achievements in reclaiming agency from her trauma.

What My Bones Know illuminates the frustrating struggle not only in finding adequate and effective healing methods, but in convincing others to even recognize, acknowledge, and accept that there is something wrong in the first place. Foo bolsters her story with excerpts of scientific studies and research, not necessarily because the book needed it, but because she is so accustomed to her pain being denied or minimized. Because society believes that cold, hard science confirming the long-lasting biological effects of generational trauma holds more credence than a woman bearing her entire soul to you.

I fucking loved this memoir so much that I pre-ordered a signed copy. This is already one of my favorite books that I’ve read this year, if not ever. Thank you so much, NetGalley and Ballantine for sending me an advanced copy for review.
Profile Image for Sunny (ethel cain’s version).
432 reviews230 followers
August 29, 2022
I am nearly speechless and definitely in tears. I am so thankful for this book - phew! Absolute must read for those who wish to be/remain trauma informed. I will always recommend this book from now on as THE replacement for The Body Keeps The Score.

One of my favorite books of the year!! The audiobook was extra special because the author included audio clips of some of her therapy sessions and her voice is such a treat to listen to.

Will definitely be purchasing a hard copy to mark up, reread, and keep on my bookshelves.

Grateful.
Profile Image for BookOfCinz.
1,461 reviews2,928 followers
April 16, 2023
Viseral!

A memoir like no other. Stephanie Foo did not leave any stones unturned. I am blown away by her courage and how she told her story. I did not even know Complex PTSD was a thing until I opened this book.

If you love memoirs, this is definitely one to add to your reading list.
Profile Image for Emma Deplores Goodreads Censorship.
1,221 reviews1,375 followers
May 3, 2022
4.5 stars

This is a thoughtful, intimate and vulnerable memoir of healing from child abuse, written by an acclaimed journalist who also delves into the research about the effects of trauma, different types of therapies, and even an investigation of how accurate her own memories are, with an exploration of unacknowledged abuse in Asian-American immigrant communities. I love a memoir by someone who can approach her own story with curiosity and thoughtful analysis, and Foo’s candor about her own vulnerabilities and failings is especially impressive.

Stephanie Foo had a rough childhood, including physical and emotional abuse from both parents, particularly her mom. In her teens, both abandoned her (though her dad continued to pay the bills on the house where she now lived alone). All this is summarized relatively briefly at the beginning of the book, the focus being on her adult life and journey toward healing. Unsurprisingly, she was a total mess as a young adult—professionally successful, but often lousy to other people—and went into therapy for that, but continued to suffer mental and ultimately physical health problems from undiagnosed (as far as she knew) complex PTSD. Finally learning her diagnosis in her early 30s spurred her to seek treatment for the depression and anxiety that continued to plague her, as well as her concerns that C-PTSD made her a burden to others. In the book, she tries out many of the therapies discussed in The Body Keeps the Score, including talk therapy, EMDR, support groups, yoga, and meditation. She also struggles to manage relationships with her family (ultimately cutting off contact with her father though maintaining some with extended family in Malaysia), but is fortunate in finding a supportive partner and being welcomed into his family. As she assures readers at the beginning, the book does have a happy ending!

There’s a lot in here that’s thoughtful and fascinating, such as Foo’s exploration of her own feelings about her trauma—she finds that she actually doesn’t have a lot of feelings about it, having dissociated herself without realizing it. Her exploration of her family’s history of trauma in Malaysia, and of what was really going on in the upscale immigrant community where she grew up, is great. And mad props for her candor about her own bad behavior: for her mental health, she probably is too self-flagellating and slow to recognize how she’s improved others’ lives, but it’s one thing to be self-critical in your own head and another to publish accounts of how you at times have treated others badly. We tend to have a narrative of traumatized people as self-isolating and shy, but I think Foo’s story—of constant, desperate reaching out to others for affirmation because she’s unable to find it in herself—is far more common. I also suspect that especially with the therapy she ultimately finds, she winds up far more able to connect with others than the average person is. She clearly has a lot to give and I wound up invested in her story and her recovery.

And her story is well-told, with clean prose and a forward momentum that had me reading the whole book pretty quickly. Foo is always digging deeper and sharing her findings with the reader, which makes the book a pleasure to read despite the heaviness of some of the content. My only criticisms are really just cautions. First, Foo is a progressive millennial New Yorker, and writes like one—if you don’t want intensive introspection and up-to-the-moment political correctness, this book may not be for you.

Second, Foo is very privileged, and while she acknowledges her privilege, aspects of her experience shouldn’t be generalized to others and could make dealing with similar situations, with fewer resources, seem more daunting. Her addiction is workaholism, which seems pretty common among middle- and upper-class Americans and perhaps is a trauma response more often than we realize, but is also convenient to capitalism and therefore admired, and I think it’s unusual for someone with the level of trauma Foo has to manage so well—in other words, others shouldn’t be expected to live up to her example. Also, her healing comes about largely because of options she has that are unavailable to most people: quitting a job with a lousy boss who aggravates her trauma in order to freelance and focus on healing, and ultimately getting free therapy from a big-deal psychologist interested in her journalistic project. The therapy works out fantastically well for her, and hopefully books like this will lead to increased availability for everyone, but—as she documents—most people aren’t so lucky with their available options.

Overall, I loved reading this and would recommend it to those seeking books about trauma. I can see it being life-changing for some, and an engaging educational opportunity for others—worth a read either way.
Profile Image for Tania.
1,281 reviews321 followers
May 27, 2022
This is my first 5-star rating for a memoir since 2020, so I obviously highly recommend this well-written, informative, sometimes funny, sometimes sad exploration of C-PTSD.

In her 30’s Stephanie Foo was diagnosed with complex PTSD – a condition which is caused by a series of traumatic events over time or one prolonged event. The fact that she is an investigative journalist elevated this memoir to something special. I really loved that she included not only her story, but also a lot of research on C-PTSD – balancing the emotional- and rational elements perfectly.

Even though it never feels like an information dump, she manages to include so much - books read, interviews with psychologist and scientists, therapies tried, the effects this condition has on your body and the role our cultural heritage and DNA plays in the passing down of this condition to next generations. The last few chapters which take us into her relational therapy sessions was incredibly interesting. It makes perfect sense that if the cause of the issues were damaging relationships as a child, the only way to heal it is to practice relationship skills.
“The essence of what trauma does to a person is it makes them feel like they don’t deserve love”
Profile Image for alexis &#x1d717;&#x1d71a;.
160 reviews223 followers
September 20, 2022
I related to this so much until she started talking about “the communists” like girl.. however still worth the read for my fellow CPTSD girliest. just ignore her historical analysis and comments on the military
Profile Image for Maren’s Reads.
698 reviews1,115 followers
September 21, 2023
I had not heard of this memoir until one of my favorite Booktubers, Meg02, put it on my radar a few months back. While it is along the lines of Know My Name (stylistically) and I’m Glad My Mom Diet (content wise), the story and format were wholly unique.

I cannot begin to imagine the abuse the author suffered at the hands of her family, particularly her mother; however, this book comes to close to giving the reader a window into the vast trauma this type of long term systemic abuse creates. The lengths Foo goes to in order to seek treatment of a disorder that a. is not well researched and, b. many therapists don’t have the experience to properly treat, is so inspirational.

Her deep dive also gives us an eye opening look at the major shortcomings of the US mental health system. And perhaps, one of the most unique elements of this book is the way in which the author incorporates her sessions with one of the leading experts in the diagnosis and treatment of Complex PTSD into the story to give us a better understanding of how this type of treatment works.

Easily in the top 3 memoirs I’ve read, I highly recommend checking this one out on audio as it’s narrated by Foo herself and includes actually audio recordings of several of her sessions.

Read if you are interested in:
•stories of overcoming trauma
•relatable narrators
•complex PTSD and treatments
•Know My Name
•I’m Glad My Mom Died

Profile Image for kay reda.
46 reviews1 follower
January 30, 2023
>:(

I only gave this book two stars to honor the trauma that the author experienced. Because it’s absolutely valid & awful & so so sad she had to experience even an ounce of it.

BUT, still, I have to be honest — this felt incredibly self-indulgent & a book about someone attached to their victim narrative. Essentially wanting everyone to understand them - which is impossible - & to blame all those before them for their pain - which is great to pinpoint where something starts but does very little for overall healing. She was vengeful & always looking for a silver bullet (ex, trying EMDR once & then being disappointed the “dread” came back… of course it did? For one EMDR session to “cure” you is super super rare & unlikely) & obsessed with being “fixed.”

I KNOW this sounds pretentious (this whole review probably does), but I think she’s really missing the point. The whole time she was missing it.
Profile Image for Evelyn Mulwray.
119 reviews
June 20, 2022
Hmm...I have mixed feelings on this one. It wavered between a 3 and a 4, but ultimately there were enough things about it that triggered or bothered me that I don't feel like it's a near-perfect read.

First -- I really admire what Stephanie did with this book, and with this whole journey about healing from C-PTSD. Very brave, very challenging, and ultimately, the entire world benefits from people who heal themselves. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to write the opening chapters. Brava.

I felt that this book lacked cohesion, at times, though, and it didn't read as smoothly as I would have liked it to. There were a few spots where I thought more incisive editing would have benefited the book overall, and while I appreciate that this book was meant to be relatable, I thought Stephanie's excessive use of informal language and all the asides to the reader in the text were ultimately a detriment to the overall text.

Also -- I KNOW this book is meant to be about healing, but as someone who has had lots of friends with PTSD, C-PTSD, and overall rage issues (and, more importantly, as someone who has suffered as a result of those people giving themselves license to rage) -- I thought Stephanie could have done more to address the way that she had affected other people in her life by getting triggered and therefore raging. She continuously bemoans the fact that her father won't take accountability for his actions, and then goes on to say "Yeah, I lost another friend because she couldn't handle my rage" (I'm paraphrasing, obviously).

So.... I'm not really sure what to make of that. It's incredibly rare to get an apology from someone who has raged at you -- speaking from personal experience -- and Stephanie's apparent failure to do the same was really challenging for me.

Lastly, as someone who works in publishing and sells books, I know that it's pretty rare for a book to be truly "the only one!" or "the first of its kind!" so this description (on Stephanie's website) irked me: "What My Bones Know is a literary memoir about healing from complex PTSD -- the first of its kind." Even if it's true, or true-ish, it kind of rubs me the wrong way.
Profile Image for Susan.
203 reviews44 followers
February 19, 2024
"Being healed isn't about feeling nothing. Being healed is about feeling the appropriate emotions at the appropriate times and still being able to come back to yourself."

This book is about the author and her journey being diagnosed and going through complex PTSD. She suffered physical and emotional abuse at the hands of her parents, her mother especially, which was of course difficult to read. There was also dialogue about the immigrant experience and a lot of information about the Asian culture and generational trauma surrounding historical events which I knew nothing about (yet another failure of my primary education). Most of all, this is the journey of working through something which is impossible to understand, of realizing how our brains are rewired when we have experienced trauma. Especially when that trauma is repetitive.

The takeaway of this story is the author working through this trauma. I related to this so much. If you have gone through any form of childhood trauma, this is so healing to read. I read the physical book in tandem with the audiobook which I highly, highly recommend. Hearing this from the author herself was so powerful, and honestly props to her because I think she could narrate audiobooks for a living. The audiobook includes excerpts from her own therapy sessions which were so incredible to hear. This is definitely in my list of top memoirs ever. 10/10 recommend.
Profile Image for Allyson Gilliam.
219 reviews208 followers
July 14, 2022
This is one of the best memoirs I’ve ever read, and I can’t quite explain what it meant to me. This is such a rarely discussed topic that it was one of those books I grabbed and thought, “I have been waiting all my life for this book.”

The entire thing was perfect, similar to how I felt about Know My Name. The story telling, the pace, the way she describes the complexities of her healing process, and in this case, chunks of really interesting info on the actual BIOLOGICAL effects of long-term trauma… without being at all too info-dumpy. We toss around the term “generational trauma” all the time, but she does a deep-dive into HOW that works. Spoiler: It’s not only a projection of the way you were raised, it’s much deeper than that.

This book is a lot, emotionally. She tells you at the start of the book to please skip Part 1 if you need to, but know that “it has a happy ending.” In the most morbid way possible, I couldn’t look away or stop reading.

I think the thing that almost all of us can relate to in some way is the concept of : I never asked for this. I never asked for Mommy Issues, Daddy Issues, abuse, housing insecurity, poverty, (fill in the blank), so why why why is it MY lifelong responsibility — and financial responsibility — to heal?? Why can’t I get revenge? Even if I could, why is it that that would never even help? Why is it fair that the rest of my life is tainted by the way it impacted my brain? Why is it fair that all relationships, coping mechanisms, my self image, my reactions to stress, etc. are MUCH worse than those that were lucky to grow up with “perfect” lives. Again: how is any of that fair?

Finally, I love how it ends on an extremely hopeful not Recognizing that she will never NOT be broken, but that’s what makes her so great. She’s far more empathetic, far more appreciative of even the smallest, most insignificant glimmers of happiness, and that she’s really proud of herself for making it, despite it all.

If/when you get the emotional capacity to read it, I highly-highly recommend.
Profile Image for jas ☾.
144 reviews17 followers
March 31, 2023
5 ⭐️
I need some time before I can write a review for this book.. for now all I can say is, it is powerful, emotional and extremely validating. Wow.
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