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If I Disappear
When her favorite true crime podcast host goes missing, an adrift young woman plunges headfirst into the wild backcountry of Northern California and her own dangerous obsession.
Sera loves true crime podcasts. They make her feel empowered in a world where women just like her disappear daily. She's sure they are preparing her for something. So when Rachel, her favorite podcast host, goes missing, Sera knows it's time to act. Rachel has always taught her to trust her instincts.
Sera follows the clues hidden in the episodes to an isolated ranch outside Rachel's small hometown to begin her search. She's convinced her investigation will make Rachel so proud. But the more Sera digs into this unfamiliar world, the more off things start to feel. Because Rachel is not the first woman to vanish from the ranch, and she won't be the last...
Rachel did try to warn her.
Sera loves true crime podcasts. They make her feel empowered in a world where women just like her disappear daily. She's sure they are preparing her for something. So when Rachel, her favorite podcast host, goes missing, Sera knows it's time to act. Rachel has always taught her to trust her instincts.
Sera follows the clues hidden in the episodes to an isolated ranch outside Rachel's small hometown to begin her search. She's convinced her investigation will make Rachel so proud. But the more Sera digs into this unfamiliar world, the more off things start to feel. Because Rachel is not the first woman to vanish from the ranch, and she won't be the last...
Rachel did try to warn her.
296 pages, Hardcover
First published January 26, 2021
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,473 reviews
March 21, 2023
With a story as oddly compelling as its cover, If I Disappear, may work well for Readers who prefer a more quirky, unconventional narrative.
After her divorce, Sera Fleece is a boat adrift. She spends all her time listening to her favorite True Crime podcast, Murder, She Spoke. You could say she's obsessed.
When the podcast's host, Rachel Bard, suddenly stops posting, Sera feels compelled to figure out why.
In fact, she suspects foul play is behind Rachel's sudden disappearance from the air waves.
Further, Sera believes, armed with clues left within the podcast itself, she will be able to find Rachel and possibly save her. She's the only one who can.
With this in mind, she travels to Rachel's hometown, Happy Camp, in Northern California to investigate. Locating Rachel's family ranch, she is able to secure a job through a single conversation with Rachel's highly-eccentric mother, Addy.
Her duties will include working with the horses and general maintenance around the ranch; two things she's by no means qualified for.
Doubts aside, Sera sees this as the best opportunity to delve into Rachel's life and possibly discover what happened to her.
The strangest part is, no one else seems to be disturbed by Rachel's disappearance. Not her parents, her brother, the other ranch hand, or any of her previous acquaintances in town.
Sera is able to make some progress and soon it is clear, something is not right with the Bard family.
Even though she realizes she is putting herself in danger, Sera cannot leave without solving the mystery. In her eyes, she is the only person left to advocate for Rachel.
While the content of this story is intriguing, the writing style just didn't suit my tastes. I never settled into the fact that it is told in the second person.
I wish it wasn't, but honestly, I can't imagine it being told otherwise. I know that seems contradictory, but the choice does make sense in light of the story.
With this being said, I definitely needed to keep going. I wanted to find out the truth behind Rachel's disappearance as much as Sera did; even though Sera, as a protagonist, drove me batty.
Some of the elements involved in building the mystery seemed off for me as well, but overall it is a good story. It's tense and dramatic, with a whole host of suspicious characters, including Sera herself.
Additionally, there is some solid commentary on the treatment of women within our society. I found that aspect interesting.
I would say this is a solid debut and I look forward to reading more from this author in the future. I would absolutely pick up more stories from her.
Thank you so much to the publisher, Berkley, for providing me with a copy of this to read and review. I appreciate it!
After her divorce, Sera Fleece is a boat adrift. She spends all her time listening to her favorite True Crime podcast, Murder, She Spoke. You could say she's obsessed.
When the podcast's host, Rachel Bard, suddenly stops posting, Sera feels compelled to figure out why.
In fact, she suspects foul play is behind Rachel's sudden disappearance from the air waves.
Further, Sera believes, armed with clues left within the podcast itself, she will be able to find Rachel and possibly save her. She's the only one who can.
With this in mind, she travels to Rachel's hometown, Happy Camp, in Northern California to investigate. Locating Rachel's family ranch, she is able to secure a job through a single conversation with Rachel's highly-eccentric mother, Addy.
Her duties will include working with the horses and general maintenance around the ranch; two things she's by no means qualified for.
Doubts aside, Sera sees this as the best opportunity to delve into Rachel's life and possibly discover what happened to her.
The strangest part is, no one else seems to be disturbed by Rachel's disappearance. Not her parents, her brother, the other ranch hand, or any of her previous acquaintances in town.
Sera is able to make some progress and soon it is clear, something is not right with the Bard family.
Even though she realizes she is putting herself in danger, Sera cannot leave without solving the mystery. In her eyes, she is the only person left to advocate for Rachel.
While the content of this story is intriguing, the writing style just didn't suit my tastes. I never settled into the fact that it is told in the second person.
I wish it wasn't, but honestly, I can't imagine it being told otherwise. I know that seems contradictory, but the choice does make sense in light of the story.
With this being said, I definitely needed to keep going. I wanted to find out the truth behind Rachel's disappearance as much as Sera did; even though Sera, as a protagonist, drove me batty.
Some of the elements involved in building the mystery seemed off for me as well, but overall it is a good story. It's tense and dramatic, with a whole host of suspicious characters, including Sera herself.
Additionally, there is some solid commentary on the treatment of women within our society. I found that aspect interesting.
I would say this is a solid debut and I look forward to reading more from this author in the future. I would absolutely pick up more stories from her.
Thank you so much to the publisher, Berkley, for providing me with a copy of this to read and review. I appreciate it!
December 15, 2021
Ding ding ding! Unpopular review is coming out!
After seeing mixed reviews about this book and rejection of publishers which gave punching in the gut vibes, I thought maybe I should skip this one.
But that eerie masterpiece kind of cover and chasing the traces of missing true crime podcaster which leads to other missing women theme intrigued me a lot! And this book as mentioned as bizarre, weird, eerie, awkward just like same words people use when they talk behind me! I thought it was a sign. I should give a try! I loved bizarreness, weirdness, unreliable narrators, blurry, mind bending writing style!
Yes, second person narration style and unique story telling of this book picked my interest.
Sera finds herself chasing traces of her favorite podcaster Rachel who was missing. She starts her search party into wild backcountry of Northern California.
Well, this seems like promising start but it’s not! Because I’m still in the dark why Sera is so obsessed to Rachel from the beginning. And I can honestly say I tried hard but I couldn’t find any trait to resonate with Sera.
Surrealism and finding myself inside the blurry kind of unreliable heroine always pick my interest but in this story I felt like I kept walking in the dark as my flashlight lost its power and I kept walking for miles but I never saw the end of the long tunnel and I gave up!
I like smart puzzles, enigmatic stories which are gathered to show us bigger twisty revelations. But in my opinion there are so many plot holes for me to put the pieces of this puzzle at the right places and see the big picture at the end!
I know the author’s intentions were good and she tried something original, something provocative, something earth shattering but somehow something missing with her execution.
Anyways , I’m still rounding up 2.5 to 3 nice try but it didn’t get me anywhere, I missed my way in surrealist story telling, I hope the next work of the author will be more understandable stars!
After seeing mixed reviews about this book and rejection of publishers which gave punching in the gut vibes, I thought maybe I should skip this one.
But that eerie masterpiece kind of cover and chasing the traces of missing true crime podcaster which leads to other missing women theme intrigued me a lot! And this book as mentioned as bizarre, weird, eerie, awkward just like same words people use when they talk behind me! I thought it was a sign. I should give a try! I loved bizarreness, weirdness, unreliable narrators, blurry, mind bending writing style!
Yes, second person narration style and unique story telling of this book picked my interest.
Sera finds herself chasing traces of her favorite podcaster Rachel who was missing. She starts her search party into wild backcountry of Northern California.
Well, this seems like promising start but it’s not! Because I’m still in the dark why Sera is so obsessed to Rachel from the beginning. And I can honestly say I tried hard but I couldn’t find any trait to resonate with Sera.
Surrealism and finding myself inside the blurry kind of unreliable heroine always pick my interest but in this story I felt like I kept walking in the dark as my flashlight lost its power and I kept walking for miles but I never saw the end of the long tunnel and I gave up!
I like smart puzzles, enigmatic stories which are gathered to show us bigger twisty revelations. But in my opinion there are so many plot holes for me to put the pieces of this puzzle at the right places and see the big picture at the end!
I know the author’s intentions were good and she tried something original, something provocative, something earth shattering but somehow something missing with her execution.
Anyways , I’m still rounding up 2.5 to 3 nice try but it didn’t get me anywhere, I missed my way in surrealist story telling, I hope the next work of the author will be more understandable stars!
February 23, 2021
I’m sorry but this didn’t work for me.
What a frustrating story and character!
After a divorce, grieving the loss of her baby, and a series of bad romantic relationships, Sera doesn't have the desire to pick herself up and find a new job. Her sole obsession is to listen to a podcast by a woman named Rachel. Her podcasts are all about women who have disappeared.
Sera has learned everything about Rachel from her social media and from the episodes of her podcast. So when Rachel disappears, no new podcasts are coming out and her social media goes silent, Sera decides to go looking for her.
When Sera arrives at Rachel's parents' ranch in California, she immediately asks about Rachel. Rachel's mother tells her she thinks Rachel is dead. The townspeople think she has finally left the ranch but Sera is sure she can help find her. She has a list of suspects and she wants to follow the few leads she has.
I couldn’t get into this one. Sera sounded unstable. Her incessant obsession with the podcast and Rachel was borderline psychotic. The ending was so out there that I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes.
I’m in the minority, most other reviewers seem to love it so take my input as what it is, a personal preference.
Cliffhanger: No
2/5 Fangs
A complimentary copy was provided by Berkley via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
MrsLeif's Two Fangs About It | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram
What a frustrating story and character!
After a divorce, grieving the loss of her baby, and a series of bad romantic relationships, Sera doesn't have the desire to pick herself up and find a new job. Her sole obsession is to listen to a podcast by a woman named Rachel. Her podcasts are all about women who have disappeared.
Sera has learned everything about Rachel from her social media and from the episodes of her podcast. So when Rachel disappears, no new podcasts are coming out and her social media goes silent, Sera decides to go looking for her.
When Sera arrives at Rachel's parents' ranch in California, she immediately asks about Rachel. Rachel's mother tells her she thinks Rachel is dead. The townspeople think she has finally left the ranch but Sera is sure she can help find her. She has a list of suspects and she wants to follow the few leads she has.
I couldn’t get into this one. Sera sounded unstable. Her incessant obsession with the podcast and Rachel was borderline psychotic. The ending was so out there that I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes.
I’m in the minority, most other reviewers seem to love it so take my input as what it is, a personal preference.
Cliffhanger: No
2/5 Fangs
A complimentary copy was provided by Berkley via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
MrsLeif's Two Fangs About It | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram
February 4, 2021
4.5 stars!
Atmospheric. Suspenseful. Addictive. Tension-filled.
Sera has an addiction to listening to true crime podcasts. Rachel is the podcast host of her favourite show. Rachel’s podcast focuses on cases of missing women. Sera listens to each episode repeatedly and knows the cases by heart. When Rachel herself disappears, Sera feels lost. Sera is drawn to Rachel’s small town to search for clues on why the one person who is searching for missing women is now missing herself.
What a fantastic debut thriller! The author brilliantly incorporates pieces of podcast episodes into the narrative, both at the start of each chapter as an introduction and also throughout the storyline while Sera is referring back to episodes she is remembering. This flowed extremely well and kept the overall podcast theme strong. I found I became more engrossed by the book as I read further. After the halfway point, I had a hard time putting it down.
Sera was an outstanding character! She was flawed yet strong, vulnerable yet determined, alone yet powerful. I thought she was a brilliant main character who I loved rooting for. Each and every secondary character added insightful and clever layers to the storyline. I was suspicious of everyone and everything! The atmosphere was dark, eerie and foreboding. I was creeped out more than a few times but simply couldn’t put the book down.
This is a book that thriller fans won’t want to miss. I highly recommend! Thank you to Berkley for my review copy!
Atmospheric. Suspenseful. Addictive. Tension-filled.
Sera has an addiction to listening to true crime podcasts. Rachel is the podcast host of her favourite show. Rachel’s podcast focuses on cases of missing women. Sera listens to each episode repeatedly and knows the cases by heart. When Rachel herself disappears, Sera feels lost. Sera is drawn to Rachel’s small town to search for clues on why the one person who is searching for missing women is now missing herself.
What a fantastic debut thriller! The author brilliantly incorporates pieces of podcast episodes into the narrative, both at the start of each chapter as an introduction and also throughout the storyline while Sera is referring back to episodes she is remembering. This flowed extremely well and kept the overall podcast theme strong. I found I became more engrossed by the book as I read further. After the halfway point, I had a hard time putting it down.
Sera was an outstanding character! She was flawed yet strong, vulnerable yet determined, alone yet powerful. I thought she was a brilliant main character who I loved rooting for. Each and every secondary character added insightful and clever layers to the storyline. I was suspicious of everyone and everything! The atmosphere was dark, eerie and foreboding. I was creeped out more than a few times but simply couldn’t put the book down.
This is a book that thriller fans won’t want to miss. I highly recommend! Thank you to Berkley for my review copy!
January 26, 2021
HAPPY PUBLICATION DAY!!
*Review originally published on mysteryandsuspense.com on 11/7/20.
https://www.mysteryandsuspense.com/re...
Lately, there has been a trend of incorporating a podcast into the telling of a mystery or thriller. I have seen this gimmick used successfully, and I have seen it fail. Luckily, it’s a highly effective plot device in IF I DISAPPEAR.
Sera Fleece doesn’t have much going for her. Recently divorced and without a job, she spends all of her time listening to her favorite podcast, “Murder, She Spoke.” Rachel Bard is the host, and the podcast (currently at 84 episodes) delves into missing women.
Then, all of a sudden, the podcast comes to an abrupt stop. Rachel’s social media has no new updates. She is a missing woman.
Sera, who feels she knows her so well after obsessing over the podcast, decides she is the one to find her. Sera studies the podcast episodes, finds what she believes are hidden clues layered into the stories, and sets off to the northern backcountry of California, where Rachel lived with her family. Fountain Creek Guest Ranch, to be precise.
Sera meets Rachel’s parents under the guise of looking for a job on the ranch. That’s how she starts the investigation. Through clumsy questioning and getting to know a host of suspicious people, it soon becomes clear to Sera that there are many possible motives for making Rachel disappear...and that immediate danger might be making its way to the ranch.
“I sometimes wonder if I’m destined to disappear.”
This is the debut novel from Eliza Jane Brazier. Color me impressed! It’s a taut mystery with many things to entice the reader: a possibly unreliable narrator, a cast of suspicious characters, suspense that increases at a steady pace...and keeps increasing as Sera wants to confide in someone what she is really doing in town, but doesn’t know who she can trust. Her suspicions change often, and it’s quite exhilarating to guess if she’s on the right path or completely off base.
The podcast is cleverly threaded throughout the story, and we get glimpses of numerous episodes at the start of each chapter. Are we also finding the secret clues that Sera found? I devoured this in one sitting, and couldn’t help but race to the finish line, which wraps up with an unexpected and delicious conclusion.
If you’re looking for a fast-paced, atmospheric mystery with a strong sense of foreboding and increasing intensity, then look no further.
Sincere thank you to Berkley for providing me an ARC to review.
*Review originally published on mysteryandsuspense.com on 11/7/20.
https://www.mysteryandsuspense.com/re...
Lately, there has been a trend of incorporating a podcast into the telling of a mystery or thriller. I have seen this gimmick used successfully, and I have seen it fail. Luckily, it’s a highly effective plot device in IF I DISAPPEAR.
Sera Fleece doesn’t have much going for her. Recently divorced and without a job, she spends all of her time listening to her favorite podcast, “Murder, She Spoke.” Rachel Bard is the host, and the podcast (currently at 84 episodes) delves into missing women.
Then, all of a sudden, the podcast comes to an abrupt stop. Rachel’s social media has no new updates. She is a missing woman.
Sera, who feels she knows her so well after obsessing over the podcast, decides she is the one to find her. Sera studies the podcast episodes, finds what she believes are hidden clues layered into the stories, and sets off to the northern backcountry of California, where Rachel lived with her family. Fountain Creek Guest Ranch, to be precise.
Sera meets Rachel’s parents under the guise of looking for a job on the ranch. That’s how she starts the investigation. Through clumsy questioning and getting to know a host of suspicious people, it soon becomes clear to Sera that there are many possible motives for making Rachel disappear...and that immediate danger might be making its way to the ranch.
“I sometimes wonder if I’m destined to disappear.”
This is the debut novel from Eliza Jane Brazier. Color me impressed! It’s a taut mystery with many things to entice the reader: a possibly unreliable narrator, a cast of suspicious characters, suspense that increases at a steady pace...and keeps increasing as Sera wants to confide in someone what she is really doing in town, but doesn’t know who she can trust. Her suspicions change often, and it’s quite exhilarating to guess if she’s on the right path or completely off base.
The podcast is cleverly threaded throughout the story, and we get glimpses of numerous episodes at the start of each chapter. Are we also finding the secret clues that Sera found? I devoured this in one sitting, and couldn’t help but race to the finish line, which wraps up with an unexpected and delicious conclusion.
If you’re looking for a fast-paced, atmospheric mystery with a strong sense of foreboding and increasing intensity, then look no further.
Sincere thank you to Berkley for providing me an ARC to review.
July 29, 2021
I admit I was intrigued by the cover! Also, I saw the author has a new book coming out next year and I wanted to see if this worked for me before I requested it.
Enter Sera Fleece- #1 fan of true crime podcast host, Rachel Bard. She is determined to solve the mystery of Rachel's recent disappearance. She is obsessed.
Rachel Bard- She has left clues..... via her podcast Murder She Spoke and we get these snippets at the beginning of each new chapter. Sera tells her, "At night I listen to your podcast, every episode a clue, a hint, leading me toward Murder, Missing, Conspiracy."
This offbeat and eccentric tale is told mostly in second person which was both compelling and driving me bananas at the same time! I'm was getting annoyed with Sera's paranoia, but yet I couldn't pull away from the narrative.
I stayed up late trying to figure out what the heck was going on. I felt like I was there on the isolated ranch in danger, along with every other character.
Lots of tension, lots of suspects, bizarre people and happenings. The ending, well, it left me with more questions and a little exasperated.
It was a crime fun house that deceived me, but I don't think its for everyone. Its very odd and goes down many rabbit holes, just weird.
Library loan July 2021
Enter Sera Fleece- #1 fan of true crime podcast host, Rachel Bard. She is determined to solve the mystery of Rachel's recent disappearance. She is obsessed.
Rachel Bard- She has left clues..... via her podcast Murder She Spoke and we get these snippets at the beginning of each new chapter. Sera tells her, "At night I listen to your podcast, every episode a clue, a hint, leading me toward Murder, Missing, Conspiracy."
This offbeat and eccentric tale is told mostly in second person which was both compelling and driving me bananas at the same time! I'm was getting annoyed with Sera's paranoia, but yet I couldn't pull away from the narrative.
I stayed up late trying to figure out what the heck was going on. I felt like I was there on the isolated ranch in danger, along with every other character.
Lots of tension, lots of suspects, bizarre people and happenings. The ending, well, it left me with more questions and a little exasperated.
It was a crime fun house that deceived me, but I don't think its for everyone. Its very odd and goes down many rabbit holes, just weird.
Library loan July 2021
February 4, 2021
"Would anyone look for me? Would anyone care? If I Disappeared..."
If I Disappear is an ambitious story that takes a unique spins while playing on that "women who disappear" "crazy women" trope and layers in some underlining themes, with women's treatment within our society. We see how we can become desensitized to the troubles of others and can find entertainment in that. It defies those harmful tropes here by giving a voice to seen and unseen women along with missing and forgotten women while exploring how we can feel invisible when under threat. It's a unique story with a usual narrative here that also gives a different spin to crime pod storylines.
I enjoyed how the story is told in a second-person narrative from podcast listener Sera to podcast host Rachel. I loved Sera, and she is a strong character here with her own conflict, goals, and flaws while she searches for missing Rachel. She creates plenty of tension and suspense while she questions a few suspects leaving us with many questions of our own. I loved how she challenged gender roles that gave the story a feminism feel. The other characters added to the strength of Sera's character while adding more depth to the story. Sera does a bit of pill-popping, and every time she popped one I cringed and was annoyed taking away some enjoyment to the story for me. I was disappointed that added a harmful trope to the story with the "damaged pill-popping female" and a poor representation for mental health. Ok, I know that's probably overthinking it a bit.
At times, the pace is slow going, and I wanted the story to move forward faster. I mostly listened to this one, and my mind wandered away a few times, but I didn't miss much when that happened. Making this one an easy one to listen too. I enjoyed the narrator to the audiobook and enjoyed listening to her voice.
Things did go sideways for me with the ending. It felt like the author forgot to add the clues along the way and then got to the end and made up the conclusion by the characters telling us how the story ends.
I highly recommend this one on audiobook.
I received a e-galley from the publisher through NetGalley
If I Disappear is an ambitious story that takes a unique spins while playing on that "women who disappear" "crazy women" trope and layers in some underlining themes, with women's treatment within our society. We see how we can become desensitized to the troubles of others and can find entertainment in that. It defies those harmful tropes here by giving a voice to seen and unseen women along with missing and forgotten women while exploring how we can feel invisible when under threat. It's a unique story with a usual narrative here that also gives a different spin to crime pod storylines.
I enjoyed how the story is told in a second-person narrative from podcast listener Sera to podcast host Rachel. I loved Sera, and she is a strong character here with her own conflict, goals, and flaws while she searches for missing Rachel. She creates plenty of tension and suspense while she questions a few suspects leaving us with many questions of our own. I loved how she challenged gender roles that gave the story a feminism feel. The other characters added to the strength of Sera's character while adding more depth to the story. Sera does a bit of pill-popping, and every time she popped one I cringed and was annoyed taking away some enjoyment to the story for me. I was disappointed that added a harmful trope to the story with the "damaged pill-popping female" and a poor representation for mental health. Ok, I know that's probably overthinking it a bit.
At times, the pace is slow going, and I wanted the story to move forward faster. I mostly listened to this one, and my mind wandered away a few times, but I didn't miss much when that happened. Making this one an easy one to listen too. I enjoyed the narrator to the audiobook and enjoyed listening to her voice.
Things did go sideways for me with the ending. It felt like the author forgot to add the clues along the way and then got to the end and made up the conclusion by the characters telling us how the story ends.
I highly recommend this one on audiobook.
I received a e-galley from the publisher through NetGalley
March 3, 2023
This is a Suspense Mystery/Thriller. I have to say it took me awhile to get into this book. I have to say the middle was really good, and it keep me guessing/wanting more. The ending was a let down, and I have to say the ending was hard to follow. The characters was more to love, and I do not think the characters where really developed. I think the characters not being developed was done on purpose. I really think the ending needed to be better, and the middle was really good. I also think this is more of a Suspense Mystery then a thriller. I was kindly provided an e-copy of this book by the publisher (Berkley) or author (Eliza Jane Brazier) via NetGalley, so I can give honest review about how I feel about this book. I want to send a big Thank you to them for that.
February 18, 2021
This was sooooo good until the last 50 pages or so, I wasn’t a huge fan of the ending. Here’s a reading vlog where I read this book and explain more of my thoughts on it: https://youtu.be/p06Cutmiyco
August 5, 2021
Well, this was weird.
Sera has been slowly fading away after her divorce. She can’t hold down a job, she hasn’t spoken to her friends for a year, she rarely leaves her house. Her name couldn’t be more apt. Que Sera, Sera; whatever will be, will be. She has no real direction or ambition in life, until she finds a purpose: figuring out what happened to Rachel, the mysterious podcast host who poured her heart and soul into telling the stories of the missing and disappeared, until she also disappeared without a trace.
Sera takes it upon herself to drive to the small town Rachel lived in and play detective. She’s listened obsessively to every podcast, and despite never having actually *met* Rachel, she feels not only that she knows her better than her own family, but that Rachel would have wanted her to do this. I know you mystery readers are a clever bunch, but it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out this is not the type of plan a mentally stable person would undertake. Sera is a very flawed and troubled protagonist, but I found this to be a compelling depiction of a character struggling with mental health and isolation.
Pop Quiz - This image depicts:
A. Rachel, the host of a podcast that digs into the disappearances of women
B. Sera, the obsessive podcast listener trying to solve Rachel’s own disappearance
C. Me, literally copy and pasting every single podcast excerpt from this book into a Google doc, putting them in episode order, and trying to make this book make sense
Honestly, I’m still unsure how I feel about this, hence the middle of the road 3 stars. This is a debut, so it was probably asking too much to hope this had some kind of next-level puzzle aspect that tied everything together and made this genius instead of just surreal, mysterious, and confusing. I essentially re-read this trying to find order among the chaos, and I came away less confused than I had been, but ultimately disappointed. There is nothing *wrong* with just writing twists as you go, but I had real hope initially that this one was actually plotted much tighter than that and there were going to be more breadcrumbs.
On the plus side, there is a lot to be said for a book that pushed me to do so much work to figure it out. I love entertainment that also challenges me. And this most certainly won’t become one of those easily forgettable thrillers that all blend together. I did enjoy the writing, the amazingly creepy and menacing atmosphere, and the absolutely skewering and clever commentary on how society views women. I get the feeling as the author develops, I will really enjoy what she comes up with.
Lastly, I simply cannot end this review without mentioning the cover. It stopped me in my tracks it was that beautiful.
Sera has been slowly fading away after her divorce. She can’t hold down a job, she hasn’t spoken to her friends for a year, she rarely leaves her house. Her name couldn’t be more apt. Que Sera, Sera; whatever will be, will be. She has no real direction or ambition in life, until she finds a purpose: figuring out what happened to Rachel, the mysterious podcast host who poured her heart and soul into telling the stories of the missing and disappeared, until she also disappeared without a trace.
Sera takes it upon herself to drive to the small town Rachel lived in and play detective. She’s listened obsessively to every podcast, and despite never having actually *met* Rachel, she feels not only that she knows her better than her own family, but that Rachel would have wanted her to do this. I know you mystery readers are a clever bunch, but it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out this is not the type of plan a mentally stable person would undertake. Sera is a very flawed and troubled protagonist, but I found this to be a compelling depiction of a character struggling with mental health and isolation.
Pop Quiz - This image depicts:
A. Rachel, the host of a podcast that digs into the disappearances of women
B. Sera, the obsessive podcast listener trying to solve Rachel’s own disappearance
C. Me, literally copy and pasting every single podcast excerpt from this book into a Google doc, putting them in episode order, and trying to make this book make sense
Honestly, I’m still unsure how I feel about this, hence the middle of the road 3 stars. This is a debut, so it was probably asking too much to hope this had some kind of next-level puzzle aspect that tied everything together and made this genius instead of just surreal, mysterious, and confusing. I essentially re-read this trying to find order among the chaos, and I came away less confused than I had been, but ultimately disappointed. There is nothing *wrong* with just writing twists as you go, but I had real hope initially that this one was actually plotted much tighter than that and there were going to be more breadcrumbs.
On the plus side, there is a lot to be said for a book that pushed me to do so much work to figure it out. I love entertainment that also challenges me. And this most certainly won’t become one of those easily forgettable thrillers that all blend together. I did enjoy the writing, the amazingly creepy and menacing atmosphere, and the absolutely skewering and clever commentary on how society views women. I get the feeling as the author develops, I will really enjoy what she comes up with.
Lastly, I simply cannot end this review without mentioning the cover. It stopped me in my tracks it was that beautiful.
February 7, 2021
If I could say just one thing to Eliza Jane Brazier, it would be - "forget the epilogue!"
This was a weird book. I really wish I had done a buddy read on it because I finished it with more questions than answers. Ultimately, I’m not really sure how I feel about it - at times I was engaged and intrigued, but at other times, I was confused and downright irritated.
I love murder podcasts, as does the protagonist, Sera, so I thought this book was right up my alley. And it was - sort of - other than the fact that Sera has a rather unhealthy obsession with podcasts, and one in particular. When the host of that podcast, Rachel, goes radio silent, Sera convinces herself that Rachel is herself a victim of foul play, and that she is the best person to find her - based solely on listening ad nauseum to her podcasts. On a whim, Sera drives to Rachel's hometown, where she is immediately warned by the townspeople about the ranch Rachel's family owns. Despite the feeling that something is not right at the ranch when she arrives, she takes a job there in order to get close to Rachel's family and figure out what happened to Rachel. Once she settles into daily life on the ranch, Sera realizes no one else seems to be looking for Rachel, which makes her question everyone and everything, and that's where it all goes off the rails.
This one started out strong for me, although I wasn't a huge fan of first person narrative. It is written as if Sera is writing a letter to Rachel, but at times I thought it was confusing trying to follow a one-sided dialogue with a nonexistent second person. But then it all just went a bit too crazy for me. Seriously, I ended the book still rather confused about what actually happened to Rachel and who did what, to whom, when, and why. Then the epilogue (some three months later) just threw off everything I thought I had figured out - unnecessarily in my opinion.
Overall, it's definitely an interesting read. I like Brazier's writing when it came to the setting, as there were beautiful descriptions of the ranch and surrounds, and her characters were undoubtedly unique and memorable. There were just a few too many plot holes and odd narratives that only served to confuse me, which kept it from being a 4-5 star review for me. If you are in the mood though for a mystifying read with an unreliable, quirky narrator, then you will want to check this one out. 3.5 stars.
This was a weird book. I really wish I had done a buddy read on it because I finished it with more questions than answers. Ultimately, I’m not really sure how I feel about it - at times I was engaged and intrigued, but at other times, I was confused and downright irritated.
I love murder podcasts, as does the protagonist, Sera, so I thought this book was right up my alley. And it was - sort of - other than the fact that Sera has a rather unhealthy obsession with podcasts, and one in particular. When the host of that podcast, Rachel, goes radio silent, Sera convinces herself that Rachel is herself a victim of foul play, and that she is the best person to find her - based solely on listening ad nauseum to her podcasts. On a whim, Sera drives to Rachel's hometown, where she is immediately warned by the townspeople about the ranch Rachel's family owns. Despite the feeling that something is not right at the ranch when she arrives, she takes a job there in order to get close to Rachel's family and figure out what happened to Rachel. Once she settles into daily life on the ranch, Sera realizes no one else seems to be looking for Rachel, which makes her question everyone and everything, and that's where it all goes off the rails.
This one started out strong for me, although I wasn't a huge fan of first person narrative. It is written as if Sera is writing a letter to Rachel, but at times I thought it was confusing trying to follow a one-sided dialogue with a nonexistent second person. But then it all just went a bit too crazy for me. Seriously, I ended the book still rather confused about what actually happened to Rachel and who did what, to whom, when, and why. Then the epilogue (some three months later) just threw off everything I thought I had figured out - unnecessarily in my opinion.
Overall, it's definitely an interesting read. I like Brazier's writing when it came to the setting, as there were beautiful descriptions of the ranch and surrounds, and her characters were undoubtedly unique and memorable. There were just a few too many plot holes and odd narratives that only served to confuse me, which kept it from being a 4-5 star review for me. If you are in the mood though for a mystifying read with an unreliable, quirky narrator, then you will want to check this one out. 3.5 stars.
January 5, 2021
If I Disappear is that rare thriller that's actually thrilling--in that it's actually a beautifully written and truly terrifying story. I got actual goosebumps at the ending. Goosebumps!
Ripe with atmosphere and with a main character whose mental state you can never be sure of--not to mention every other character--If I Disappear offers up a murder mystery (and the latest in thrillers, a podcast, although this one is very unsettling and makes the already high creepiness factor even higher) that ends on a genuinely unsettling and terrifying note. I still, days later, wonder about how everything happened and what will happen next. That's the sign of a great thriller and a great book.
If you like thrillers that are unsettling-- and really unsettling, right down to an amazing and brutal end--you have to read this book!
Ripe with atmosphere and with a main character whose mental state you can never be sure of--not to mention every other character--If I Disappear offers up a murder mystery (and the latest in thrillers, a podcast, although this one is very unsettling and makes the already high creepiness factor even higher) that ends on a genuinely unsettling and terrifying note. I still, days later, wonder about how everything happened and what will happen next. That's the sign of a great thriller and a great book.
If you like thrillers that are unsettling-- and really unsettling, right down to an amazing and brutal end--you have to read this book!
January 29, 2021
I thought this novel was for me. I wanted it to be for me. But alas! It was not for me.
I thought it was interesting that it was written like a letter from the MC to her best friend (who she has never met), second person POV is pretty rare. I appreciated the effect. And I liked that she introduced segments from the actual podcast. I also enjoyed toying with the idea of what the twist was, my favorite part of reading thrillers. But that’s about where my praises end, unfortunately.
Sera’s favorite true crime podcast, “Murder, She Spoke” (great TC podcast name btw) has not released a new episode in a couple of weeks. So naturally, she assumes Rachel (the shows host) has been kidnapped/killed/held hostage, and so she drives across country to find Rachel’s home and begin her investigation.
First of all...what? Is Sera crazy?? Yes, she’s had it hard in her own life, divorced, lost an unwanted pregnancy, lost her job...but what is her motivation for stalking this woman when there is no clear reason to believe anything is wrong at all??
So I’m thinking, okay this is going to be an unreliable narrator trope. Sera’s actually lost her mind, she’s going to get there and this story will be about taking this “true crime trend” too far. I’m thinking it’s going to be a commentary about obsession. So throughout the story, I don’t believe a damn word Sera says or thinks. I think that’s intentional, but it didn’t lead me where I wanted it to.
She gets to the ranch that Rachel’s parents own and finagles her way into a job caring for the horses. No one knows where Rachel went, and no one cares. Her mom says she thinks she was murdered and aloofly drops the subject. Everyone is creepy and sus as hell.
Everyone keeps telling her how happy they are that she’s there, and keeps accidentally calling Sera, “Rachel”. So I’m thinking, okay Sera IS Rachel. She’s obviously looney, she’s had some kind of traumatic experience (murdering a bunch of people), has amnesia, and has created this second life for herself in her mind. I’m thinking that everyone in this small town is playing into it because they want to help her cope with her mental illness. I’m thinking she killed all of these girls and that’s why she has an obsession with true crime.
Everyone she questions is evasive, and SHES NOT ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS. Okay, as a true crime fan, I know what Sera’s character was supposed to be representing, and in my opinion, it failed to achieve that. When someone whispers in your ear to ask if you feel safe...wouldn’t you question why? If someone winds up dead and the police write it off as suicide, wouldn’t you ask what the cause of death was? Wouldn’t you at least ask for an autopsy before writing off any question of possible murder?
A bunch of people die, and they discover it was Rachel’s brother, the priest. Because you’d never suspect the priest! So after Rachel’s entire family is killed (including her brother “the killer”, another assumed suicide, by water poison that kills on skin contact?) Rachel, Sera, and Grace (another assumed victim of the killer that has for some reason been kept alive) live happily ever after on the ranch and turn it into a safe haven for lost women.
BUT WAIT! Sera STILL doesn’t ask the right questions, but Rachel’s ex-friends suddenly decide to talk...and tell her their side of the story. And Sera finds out she was scammed the entire time and it was RACHEL all along.
But why??? Her friends say she may have accidentally killed the first girl (their school friend) and got the taste for killing and then couldn’t stop. Again, I ask BUT...WHY?? I’m not going to go into stats about how unlikely this is, because it’s possible. But I need some back story. What trauma did Rachel go through to make her into such a cold hearted killer? There are female serial killers, but women who kill are likely motivated by money or love...and I don’t see either of these working as a motive in this scenario. And why did her mom cover for her? It doesn’t add up.
After the looong middle section and awkward pacing of this book where nothing happens forever, this twist was such a let down.
So the Sera girl is off her rocker, but not THAT off her rocker. She’s truly just a creep. She’s in love with true crime, and she gets DUPED by true crime! If you’re going to make her into an exaggerated true crime crazed character, can’t she at least be good at solving them?
And then it just ends.
I was going to give this 2 stars, but after dissecting my thoughts throughout this review, I think I need to change it to 1. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I’m so disappointed.
I thought it was interesting that it was written like a letter from the MC to her best friend (who she has never met), second person POV is pretty rare. I appreciated the effect. And I liked that she introduced segments from the actual podcast. I also enjoyed toying with the idea of what the twist was, my favorite part of reading thrillers. But that’s about where my praises end, unfortunately.
Sera’s favorite true crime podcast, “Murder, She Spoke” (great TC podcast name btw) has not released a new episode in a couple of weeks. So naturally, she assumes Rachel (the shows host) has been kidnapped/killed/held hostage, and so she drives across country to find Rachel’s home and begin her investigation.
First of all...what? Is Sera crazy?? Yes, she’s had it hard in her own life, divorced, lost an unwanted pregnancy, lost her job...but what is her motivation for stalking this woman when there is no clear reason to believe anything is wrong at all??
So I’m thinking, okay this is going to be an unreliable narrator trope. Sera’s actually lost her mind, she’s going to get there and this story will be about taking this “true crime trend” too far. I’m thinking it’s going to be a commentary about obsession. So throughout the story, I don’t believe a damn word Sera says or thinks. I think that’s intentional, but it didn’t lead me where I wanted it to.
She gets to the ranch that Rachel’s parents own and finagles her way into a job caring for the horses. No one knows where Rachel went, and no one cares. Her mom says she thinks she was murdered and aloofly drops the subject. Everyone is creepy and sus as hell.
Everyone keeps telling her how happy they are that she’s there, and keeps accidentally calling Sera, “Rachel”. So I’m thinking, okay Sera IS Rachel. She’s obviously looney, she’s had some kind of traumatic experience (murdering a bunch of people), has amnesia, and has created this second life for herself in her mind. I’m thinking that everyone in this small town is playing into it because they want to help her cope with her mental illness. I’m thinking she killed all of these girls and that’s why she has an obsession with true crime.
Everyone she questions is evasive, and SHES NOT ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS. Okay, as a true crime fan, I know what Sera’s character was supposed to be representing, and in my opinion, it failed to achieve that. When someone whispers in your ear to ask if you feel safe...wouldn’t you question why? If someone winds up dead and the police write it off as suicide, wouldn’t you ask what the cause of death was? Wouldn’t you at least ask for an autopsy before writing off any question of possible murder?
A bunch of people die, and they discover it was Rachel’s brother, the priest. Because you’d never suspect the priest! So after Rachel’s entire family is killed (including her brother “the killer”, another assumed suicide, by water poison that kills on skin contact?) Rachel, Sera, and Grace (another assumed victim of the killer that has for some reason been kept alive) live happily ever after on the ranch and turn it into a safe haven for lost women.
BUT WAIT! Sera STILL doesn’t ask the right questions, but Rachel’s ex-friends suddenly decide to talk...and tell her their side of the story. And Sera finds out she was scammed the entire time and it was RACHEL all along.
But why??? Her friends say she may have accidentally killed the first girl (their school friend) and got the taste for killing and then couldn’t stop. Again, I ask BUT...WHY?? I’m not going to go into stats about how unlikely this is, because it’s possible. But I need some back story. What trauma did Rachel go through to make her into such a cold hearted killer? There are female serial killers, but women who kill are likely motivated by money or love...and I don’t see either of these working as a motive in this scenario. And why did her mom cover for her? It doesn’t add up.
After the looong middle section and awkward pacing of this book where nothing happens forever, this twist was such a let down.
So the Sera girl is off her rocker, but not THAT off her rocker. She’s truly just a creep. She’s in love with true crime, and she gets DUPED by true crime! If you’re going to make her into an exaggerated true crime crazed character, can’t she at least be good at solving them?
And then it just ends.
I was going to give this 2 stars, but after dissecting my thoughts throughout this review, I think I need to change it to 1. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I’m so disappointed.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 1, 2021
This book was absolutely bizarre. I was SO interested in the premise, but the second person dialogue mixed with the short, stilted writing style really didn't work for me. And not that I necessarily think we were supposed to like the narrator, but I found her to be extremely unlikeable and it kept me from caring at all about anything that happened. This book just unfortunately was not for me. Womp.
CW: death of an animal
CW: death of an animal
January 29, 2021
Captivating and creepy. Atmospheric and tense. Uncomfortable and unsettling. Eliza Jane Brazier’s debut had my pulse pounding from first minute to last. Sarah is a lonely and lost 30 something with an obsession with true crime podcasts, the “Murder She Spoke“ podcast being her favorite. When Rachel the host of the MSS podcast goes missing Sarah is compelled to find her. Sarah‘s search for Rachel takes her to small town Northern California and Rachel‘s family ranch. When Sarah arrives in the small town she is surprised to find that nobody seems to be worried about where Rachel has gone. Not her family, not her friends, not the police, but Sarah is certain there are sinister things going on and she is determined to find her favorite podcaster.
The story is told in second person with Sarah speaking to the reader as if they are Rachel. There were also snippets of the podcast woven into the beginning of each chapter.The creepy feel of this ranch was so vividly described it just jumped off the pages. Sarah ends up taking a job at the ranch and is housed in disgusting quarters. I had the heebie-jeebies and wanted to gag from the description of the smell of rat droppings. *Yuck* I could just visualize the overgrown blackberry bushes and feel the impending doom. The story is filled with Unusual characters that you never quite get a handle on. Even Sarah our narrator is a complete mystery. Is she reliable? Is she crazy? What’s with the obsession? I knew she was divorced, had a nowhere job, and was about to get evicted, but other than that I really had no idea of her backstory. I think this might have added to the atmosphere of the story? I always felt a little bit off balance, a little uneasy, a couple facts short of understanding completely what was going on. A compelling thriller, looking forward to see what is next from Miss Brazier
This book and emojis 🐎 🐈⬛ 🐀 🌿 📓 🛻 🚜
*** Big thank you to Berkley for my gifted copy of this book. All opinions are my own. ***
The story is told in second person with Sarah speaking to the reader as if they are Rachel. There were also snippets of the podcast woven into the beginning of each chapter.The creepy feel of this ranch was so vividly described it just jumped off the pages. Sarah ends up taking a job at the ranch and is housed in disgusting quarters. I had the heebie-jeebies and wanted to gag from the description of the smell of rat droppings. *Yuck* I could just visualize the overgrown blackberry bushes and feel the impending doom. The story is filled with Unusual characters that you never quite get a handle on. Even Sarah our narrator is a complete mystery. Is she reliable? Is she crazy? What’s with the obsession? I knew she was divorced, had a nowhere job, and was about to get evicted, but other than that I really had no idea of her backstory. I think this might have added to the atmosphere of the story? I always felt a little bit off balance, a little uneasy, a couple facts short of understanding completely what was going on. A compelling thriller, looking forward to see what is next from Miss Brazier
This book and emojis 🐎 🐈⬛ 🐀 🌿 📓 🛻 🚜
*** Big thank you to Berkley for my gifted copy of this book. All opinions are my own. ***
February 24, 2021
This book was strange. It reminded me very distantly of the brilliant Sadie, and for that I feel bad because there is really no comparing the two. Written in second person with short sentences made to keep the reader feeling off balance throughout, the story read very YA to me. So much of the behavior of certain characters was never explained and most of the story required a healthy suspension of disbelief. I also found this confusing and repetitive, which is a strange combination. The author is a screenwriter and is developing this for television. I could see this translating very well to that and being a hit.
This is a tough one to rate. 2 stars means "it was okay" and 3 stars means "I liked it." If I'm being honest, it falls somewhere in between, but all of the glaring plot holes and the need to suspend disbelief is causing me to stick with the 2 star.
This is a tough one to rate. 2 stars means "it was okay" and 3 stars means "I liked it." If I'm being honest, it falls somewhere in between, but all of the glaring plot holes and the need to suspend disbelief is causing me to stick with the 2 star.
August 1, 2021
I contemplated how to begin a review on this book. I can say this book doesn’t compare to anything I have read before with this kind of twist. I finished it and thought is there a cheat sheet to what happened? That twist will keep readers coming back for more from this author. It isn’t your typical psychological thriller. I loved it!!❤️
The narrator, Sera, is a fan to a missing person podcast hosted by Rachel who has disappeared. Sera becomes obsessed with finding her and takes on a ranch hand job at Rachel’s parents’ farm without their knowledge of her mission.
Everyone becomes a suspect of whodunnit even the townspeople appear guilty. She continues to search even with warnings and threats to leave, but she feels since she is Rachel’s #1 fan she owes it to her. Her borderline personality...not sure what to think attitude... will have you finishing this one.
Thank you NetGalley for the opportunity to review this book. I think this one is going to be a best seller. #IfIDisappear #NetGalley
The narrator, Sera, is a fan to a missing person podcast hosted by Rachel who has disappeared. Sera becomes obsessed with finding her and takes on a ranch hand job at Rachel’s parents’ farm without their knowledge of her mission.
Everyone becomes a suspect of whodunnit even the townspeople appear guilty. She continues to search even with warnings and threats to leave, but she feels since she is Rachel’s #1 fan she owes it to her. Her borderline personality...not sure what to think attitude... will have you finishing this one.
Thank you NetGalley for the opportunity to review this book. I think this one is going to be a best seller. #IfIDisappear #NetGalley
December 9, 2021
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I seriously don't understand why this book has such low ratings. I bought it on impulse when it went on sale because I was attracted to the premise and the gorgeous cover. The heroine, Sera, is a divorcee with a litany of psychological and emotional problems who finds solace in listening to the voice of her favorite podcaster, a woman named Rachel who has a channel called Murder, She Spoke, where she talks about crimes and mysteries, solved and unsolved, interspersing them with a seemingly feminist bent and commentary on her own life. When she goes missing, Rachel decides that she's going to find her, so she goes to where Rachel lives, a rural California town called Happy Camp, and even gets a job at Rachel's family's ranch.
IF I DISAPPEAR has so many of my favorite tropes. It has a troubled narrator who may or may not be unreliable. It has stalking, obsession, and secrets. It's set in a small town, and better yet: a California small town. I've been to ranching towns that were like this, so it was so easy to envision the setting in my mind. The claustrophobic setting, surrounded by woods, makes this book have a veil of paranoia that really mirrors the heroine's own emotional state. I'm surprised that so many reviewers claimed that this book was boring. It's slow-paced but I felt like the psychological uncertainty inside the heroine's own mind built a setting almost as compelling as the ranch.
EVERYONE in this book is so creepy. It's clear the people in the town know something. It's also clear that Rachel's family has some issues. There are the usual Gothic tropes, too-- missing woman, filthy and oddly run-down buildings, mysterious warnings, dead animals (trigger warning)-- so it felt like a really interesting, rural ranch throwback to some of those 1970s Gothic romances I loved so much. There's even a suspicious hot guy (with a Texan accent) who has some interesting tensions with the heroines. I wish more happened with that, but we don't always get everything we want.
Overall, I would say IF I DISAPPEAR is an excellent book. I'd read more by this author in a heartbeat. Psychological thrillers are so hard to do, especially when most of the horror takes place in the heroine's own mind, and I feel like she did an excellent job capturing how we, as human beings, "hype" up our own fear, taking seemingly innocent and unconnected phenomena and building it into a kind of conspiracy. As someone with anxiety, I do this, and I could see myself freaking out like the heroine did. It makes me really sad that more readers didn't seem to see and appreciate this, but I think if you approached this book looking for more straightforward thrills and chills, you'd be disappointed.
4 stars
February 23, 2021
You know what’s about to disappear? This book off my bookshelf.
December 19, 2020
QUICK TAKE: when a true crime podcaster goes missing, her biggest fan decides to make herself part of the story by trying to track her down and finds herself working for the podcaster's family on their isolated and mysterious dude ranch. As Sera gets to know the family and other members of the community, she finds herself part of a dark and dangerous mystery. This one was a bizarre blast...part I'LL BE GONE IN THE DARK, part SHARP OBJECTS, the author does a brilliant job leaning into the macabre and mysterious while writing whip-smart, crackling dialogue and introducing readers to some of the strangest characters I've ever read on the page. Definitely worth prioritizing when this one is out next year.
January 20, 2021
This is...an odd book.
If you just go with it and dive deep into the swirling paranoia and bizarre story of a missing podcaster, you will probably like it and you're in for a topsy turvy ride. And if you can really start thinking about the overall premise of Sera looking for herself as well as trying to find out what happened to Rachel, the book does offer some unique storytelling.
However, there were some gigantic plot holes and other things that just didn't make the story work for me (don't read this unless you've already read the book because I give away the twist):
That said, this is a twisty book with suspicion thrown everywhere. Nothing is as it seems and the reader doesn't know who the good guys or the bad guys are until the end, and even then it could be debated. I liked the book and it definitely kept me up late reading to try to puzzle out what exactly was going on.
I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy of this book, all opinions are my own.
If you just go with it and dive deep into the swirling paranoia and bizarre story of a missing podcaster, you will probably like it and you're in for a topsy turvy ride. And if you can really start thinking about the overall premise of Sera looking for herself as well as trying to find out what happened to Rachel, the book does offer some unique storytelling.
However, there were some gigantic plot holes and other things that just didn't make the story work for me (don't read this unless you've already read the book because I give away the twist):
That said, this is a twisty book with suspicion thrown everywhere. Nothing is as it seems and the reader doesn't know who the good guys or the bad guys are until the end, and even then it could be debated. I liked the book and it definitely kept me up late reading to try to puzzle out what exactly was going on.
I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy of this book, all opinions are my own.
October 9, 2020
2.5 stars. This is a dreamy crime novel that never quite makes up its mind about what it is.
We often find ourselves floating above the action, at a kind of remove. Most of the characters and setting feel vague and foggy. Then there will be scenes given with up close detail and it is almost like you're back in the real world, but it never lasts, and soon we're floating away again. For this book to work, you have to be okay with how nothing in it really makes any sense at all and treat it almost more as surrealism than realism. (Just for starters, our protagonist's obsession is with a podcast that says it is about unsolved cases but all the excerpts of it lay out exactly what happened and sure seem to know exactly who's responsible, nothing about it seems like a real true crime podcast, but like I said, nothing here seems grounded in reality.)
The dreaminess of it would have been okay with me if we'd stuck with it but the end switches tone entirely and while things become even more unbelievable, we are no longer watching everything from far away but up close. Maybe that works for some people, it certainly understands that it is in a climax that it wants to move very quickly. But it just made everything feel more disjointed for me.
The themes here are also not all the way clear sometimes while lacking all nuance at other times. Women are in some kind of vague danger, I guess? Women are either too much or they disappear, we are told at one point, which sounds nice but doesn't actually fit with the narrative or mean much of anything. Our narrator exists only to have an obsession, she lacks any other desires and the rest of her life is just a brief biography. It is sometimes more like a faraway allegory but then it's a thriller again. I am not opposed to books that change things up, that try to be different, but at the end of it all there didn't seem to be much there there and the moodiness of it never really worked for me.
We often find ourselves floating above the action, at a kind of remove. Most of the characters and setting feel vague and foggy. Then there will be scenes given with up close detail and it is almost like you're back in the real world, but it never lasts, and soon we're floating away again. For this book to work, you have to be okay with how nothing in it really makes any sense at all and treat it almost more as surrealism than realism. (Just for starters, our protagonist's obsession is with a podcast that says it is about unsolved cases but all the excerpts of it lay out exactly what happened and sure seem to know exactly who's responsible, nothing about it seems like a real true crime podcast, but like I said, nothing here seems grounded in reality.)
The dreaminess of it would have been okay with me if we'd stuck with it but the end switches tone entirely and while things become even more unbelievable, we are no longer watching everything from far away but up close. Maybe that works for some people, it certainly understands that it is in a climax that it wants to move very quickly. But it just made everything feel more disjointed for me.
The themes here are also not all the way clear sometimes while lacking all nuance at other times. Women are in some kind of vague danger, I guess? Women are either too much or they disappear, we are told at one point, which sounds nice but doesn't actually fit with the narrative or mean much of anything. Our narrator exists only to have an obsession, she lacks any other desires and the rest of her life is just a brief biography. It is sometimes more like a faraway allegory but then it's a thriller again. I am not opposed to books that change things up, that try to be different, but at the end of it all there didn't seem to be much there there and the moodiness of it never really worked for me.
January 26, 2021
Rachel runs a podcast about missing women called Murder, She Spoke. When she suddenly goes silent - no social media activity, no new podcasts - her biggest fan, Sera, starts to suspect she's gone missing.
Sera decides to take matters into her own hands and find out what happened to Rachel. Afterall, it's what Rachel has been training her for with all of the information and tips provided through the podcasts. Sera heads to Rachel's family ranch in the wilderness of Northern California and pretends to be a drifter looking for work. But once a part of the daily life on the ranch, Sera realizes she may be the only person looking for Rachel making her question everyone and everything surrounding Rachel's mysterious disappearance.
I really enjoyed the mystery this book created. Brazier's writing evoked beautiful images of the countryside and painted some pretty unique and memorable characters. I didn't think it was overly predictable but I did find that there were a lot of loose ends that left me with questions. The novel ended without wrapping everything up which I thought worked well for the story but I know can leave some readers wanting more.
I love when a novel mixes formats and this included snippets of Rachel's podcast at the beginning of each chapter. Some of the snippets were incredibly intriguing and I wish those had been played up more as the story unfolded.
Sera, though in her mid-thirties, felt like a very young, immature and naive character to me. I found her obsession with Rachel over the top and I wish there had been more back story about how that came about. I think it would have made her character more relatable if her history had been fleshed out in more detail rather than sporadic and hazy references to a miscarriage and a loveless marriage.
The writing also took some getting used to as it felt to me like the novel was written as if it was a letter from Sera to Rachel, almost making the reader feel as though s/he is Rachel.
Overall this was a really enjoyable read and one I would definitely recommend if you like a good mystery, shady and quirky characters, and books that incorporate podcasts.
Thank you to NetGalley and Berkley for an advanced copy of this novel.
Sera decides to take matters into her own hands and find out what happened to Rachel. Afterall, it's what Rachel has been training her for with all of the information and tips provided through the podcasts. Sera heads to Rachel's family ranch in the wilderness of Northern California and pretends to be a drifter looking for work. But once a part of the daily life on the ranch, Sera realizes she may be the only person looking for Rachel making her question everyone and everything surrounding Rachel's mysterious disappearance.
I really enjoyed the mystery this book created. Brazier's writing evoked beautiful images of the countryside and painted some pretty unique and memorable characters. I didn't think it was overly predictable but I did find that there were a lot of loose ends that left me with questions. The novel ended without wrapping everything up which I thought worked well for the story but I know can leave some readers wanting more.
I love when a novel mixes formats and this included snippets of Rachel's podcast at the beginning of each chapter. Some of the snippets were incredibly intriguing and I wish those had been played up more as the story unfolded.
Sera, though in her mid-thirties, felt like a very young, immature and naive character to me. I found her obsession with Rachel over the top and I wish there had been more back story about how that came about. I think it would have made her character more relatable if her history had been fleshed out in more detail rather than sporadic and hazy references to a miscarriage and a loveless marriage.
The writing also took some getting used to as it felt to me like the novel was written as if it was a letter from Sera to Rachel, almost making the reader feel as though s/he is Rachel.
Overall this was a really enjoyable read and one I would definitely recommend if you like a good mystery, shady and quirky characters, and books that incorporate podcasts.
Thank you to NetGalley and Berkley for an advanced copy of this novel.
February 3, 2021
I was really looking forward to this but came out underwhelmed. The plot seems like everything I would love - mystery, suspense, true crime, a podcast, unreliable narrator, fantastic book cover. Sign me up! But what I got was sub-300 pages of Sera repeating "Where are you?" and "I must find you" several hundred times.
The pacing was slow and I failed to connect with any of the characters. The ending was fine but nothing mind-blowing, which I can chalk up to my lack of connection. Based on other reviews, the ending is spectacular. For me, the juice just wasn't worth the squeeze.
I'm still giving this solid marks because it was beautifully written with crisp, taut dialogue. I fully admit this is a "It's not you, it's me" issue. I'm sure there is an audience for this and I would not discourage anyone from picking this up if it interests them. Just temper expectations.
Cheers!
The pacing was slow and I failed to connect with any of the characters. The ending was fine but nothing mind-blowing, which I can chalk up to my lack of connection. Based on other reviews, the ending is spectacular. For me, the juice just wasn't worth the squeeze.
I'm still giving this solid marks because it was beautifully written with crisp, taut dialogue. I fully admit this is a "It's not you, it's me" issue. I'm sure there is an audience for this and I would not discourage anyone from picking this up if it interests them. Just temper expectations.
Cheers!
April 6, 2021
Man, talk about a good book, that had potential of being REALLY good had the execution at the end been better!! Definitely a slow burn mystery about a true crime podcast host who has disappeared and her number one fan /bff (maybe one-sided) who goes out to try and find her. This one had all the makings of a great thriller alas I was only held speechless by the incredible letdown :-( , but perhaps it's just me, Idk...I still have faith in this author, especially since this was her debut I will eagerly look forward to her follow-up, with some caution, this gal's definitely got potential!
March 22, 2023
Book Blog | Bookstagram
“This is what ordinary people are like. They don’t want to be bothered. They don’t want to care. They would rather let a few people disappear, a few families suffer and never recover, than ruin everybody’s vacation.”
Well, this was fucking weird.
I don’t know if this review is going to make any sense at all, because I’m still not sure how I really feel about this novel. So, uh, good luck reading my stoner thoughts.
First of all, the main character, Sera, is wildly unstable. Like, break into Sandra Bullock’s home and get into her bed unstable. Like, John Hinckley unstable. Did I enjoy being in the head of a character like that? Fucking no! But was it captivating? Very yes. And fucking uncomfortable the whole time. Sera is so unlikeable that watching her exist was akin to an embarrassing American Idol audition.
The narrative voice is so wildly different from anything I’ve ever read before. It perfectly illuminates the unstable vibe using an awkward fast-paced, minimalist style. And that was both brilliant and difficult to read.
Sera is dealing with a divorce and the loss of a child when she decides to start a one-woman search party looking for a missing true-crime podcaster, Rachel Bard. Sera is full-on, psycho mode OBSESSED with Rachel. I’m not talking about JTT posters on the wall kind of obsessed, this was so unhealthy it turns into real-world action. And that's usually restraining order territory.
If your infatuation with a person starts crossing over into violating their personal boundaries, you have a serious fucking issue. Sera, you got a fucking issue, girl!
Like, yes, she’s definitely got a lot on her plate mental health-wise, but this seemed next level to me.
Sera’s search sees her to get a job on the Bard Family’s horse farm, hoping it will lead to clues as to what happened to Rachel… so, that’s nuts.
And the Bard family? Also fucked up and totally unlikeable.
Every character in this is weird, personalities turned up to eleven in a way that feels unexplained, and untethered to the plot. Everyone was suspish and hard to experience. Because that’s how Sera was interpreting it, being unaware of reason or motive? Or was that just the writing style? Either way, it’s not the easiest to read. Like, if you were to ask me, what’s one narrative world you would absolutely not want to be stuck in, it would be this one.
I do not want to ever be around any of these people ever again.
More than I don’t want to be in Jurassic Park or Bram Stoker’s Dracula castle? Yes, more than that.
With that said, the mystery itself was fucking good. Finding out what happened to Rachel – or if anything happened to her at all – was the only reason I finished this. There is an aspect of the writing that casts the narrator as so totally unreliable that I wasn’t sure if there was a mystery to solve at all. There is a chance that Sera is so delusional that she’s seeing connections where none exist; imagining danger has befallen Rachel when a simple explanation is the right explanation.
This is a debut novel that stands out in my mind, despite my lukewarm review. I think that says something. I found the author’s narrative voice unique, but challenging. Stella never totally found her groove with If I Disappear.(Stella is me in this scenario.) And while the mystery was a dark, oddball nightmare that definitely had my attention, the characters were so hard to deal with.
So, I don’t know. I liked it enough, but I didn’t fall in love with it like I usually do with quirky thrillers.
It’s an unconventional, atmospheric thriller that will find its right audience and that’s all that really matters.
⭐⭐⭐ | 3 stars
“This is what ordinary people are like. They don’t want to be bothered. They don’t want to care. They would rather let a few people disappear, a few families suffer and never recover, than ruin everybody’s vacation.”
Well, this was fucking weird.
I don’t know if this review is going to make any sense at all, because I’m still not sure how I really feel about this novel. So, uh, good luck reading my stoner thoughts.
First of all, the main character, Sera, is wildly unstable. Like, break into Sandra Bullock’s home and get into her bed unstable. Like, John Hinckley unstable. Did I enjoy being in the head of a character like that? Fucking no! But was it captivating? Very yes. And fucking uncomfortable the whole time. Sera is so unlikeable that watching her exist was akin to an embarrassing American Idol audition.
The narrative voice is so wildly different from anything I’ve ever read before. It perfectly illuminates the unstable vibe using an awkward fast-paced, minimalist style. And that was both brilliant and difficult to read.
Sera is dealing with a divorce and the loss of a child when she decides to start a one-woman search party looking for a missing true-crime podcaster, Rachel Bard. Sera is full-on, psycho mode OBSESSED with Rachel. I’m not talking about JTT posters on the wall kind of obsessed, this was so unhealthy it turns into real-world action. And that's usually restraining order territory.
If your infatuation with a person starts crossing over into violating their personal boundaries, you have a serious fucking issue. Sera, you got a fucking issue, girl!
Like, yes, she’s definitely got a lot on her plate mental health-wise, but this seemed next level to me.
Sera’s search sees her to get a job on the Bard Family’s horse farm, hoping it will lead to clues as to what happened to Rachel… so, that’s nuts.
And the Bard family? Also fucked up and totally unlikeable.
Every character in this is weird, personalities turned up to eleven in a way that feels unexplained, and untethered to the plot. Everyone was suspish and hard to experience. Because that’s how Sera was interpreting it, being unaware of reason or motive? Or was that just the writing style? Either way, it’s not the easiest to read. Like, if you were to ask me, what’s one narrative world you would absolutely not want to be stuck in, it would be this one.
I do not want to ever be around any of these people ever again.
More than I don’t want to be in Jurassic Park or Bram Stoker’s Dracula castle? Yes, more than that.
With that said, the mystery itself was fucking good. Finding out what happened to Rachel – or if anything happened to her at all – was the only reason I finished this. There is an aspect of the writing that casts the narrator as so totally unreliable that I wasn’t sure if there was a mystery to solve at all. There is a chance that Sera is so delusional that she’s seeing connections where none exist; imagining danger has befallen Rachel when a simple explanation is the right explanation.
This is a debut novel that stands out in my mind, despite my lukewarm review. I think that says something. I found the author’s narrative voice unique, but challenging. Stella never totally found her groove with If I Disappear.(Stella is me in this scenario.) And while the mystery was a dark, oddball nightmare that definitely had my attention, the characters were so hard to deal with.
So, I don’t know. I liked it enough, but I didn’t fall in love with it like I usually do with quirky thrillers.
It’s an unconventional, atmospheric thriller that will find its right audience and that’s all that really matters.
⭐⭐⭐ | 3 stars
January 27, 2021
Sera is in her thirties, divorced, and recently jobless. She feels aimless, hopeless, and goalless. Her only passion still remaining is for true crime podcasts. When the host of her favourite series fails to upload at her usual time and her social media presence drops, Sera finds the purpose she has been looking for. With no ties remaining to tether her anywhere, she journeys to the host's home, found through much online detective work, and sets about finding what happened to the girl whose voice lulled her to sleep each night.
I found this such an intriguing premise and I remained engaged in the storyline throughout, as Sera fought against all odds to solve this mystery all others seemed eager to overlook. The entire cast quickly proved untrustworthy, with many becoming entirely unlikable after Sera's first meeting with them, and the mystery only became more muddied with every interaction. I did guess at some of the final grand reveals earlier on into the book but this was still a solidly enjoyable thriller, nonetheless.
I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. Thank you to the author, Eliza Jane Brazier, and the publisher, Little Brown Book Group, for this opportunity.
I found this such an intriguing premise and I remained engaged in the storyline throughout, as Sera fought against all odds to solve this mystery all others seemed eager to overlook. The entire cast quickly proved untrustworthy, with many becoming entirely unlikable after Sera's first meeting with them, and the mystery only became more muddied with every interaction. I did guess at some of the final grand reveals earlier on into the book but this was still a solidly enjoyable thriller, nonetheless.
I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. Thank you to the author, Eliza Jane Brazier, and the publisher, Little Brown Book Group, for this opportunity.
January 12, 2021
Sera is obsessed with a podcast. She has no friends and is hardly involved in her job. Rachel, host of Sera's favorite missing girls podcast has disappeared. Sera decides to go to the place Rachel was last seen and solve the disappearance. After all, she has all of the podcasts memorized. Putting all that info into practice should be a breeze, right? What will happen when Sera immerses herself in the Fountain Creek Ranch? Will she be able to solve the case and find Rachel? The podcast excerpts from Murder, She Spoke provide the gritty atmosphere that immerses the reader in such tragedies. Sera is delivering the story in first person, speaking to Rachel. Unfortunately many of her asides get buried in the rest of the narrative. I also find the cover to be mismatched to the book inside. It has been compared to 'Night Swim' by Megan Goldin and 'Sadie' by Courtney Summer. I gave both of those titles five stars. This one was a bit of a miss.
Thank you to Berkley and NetGalley for a DRC in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you to Berkley and NetGalley for a DRC in exchange for an honest review.
September 9, 2020
3 Stars
“We look because we have to. Because no one else will.” - If I Disappear.
See more on my Bookstagram: Shelf.Inspiration Instagram
REVIEW: Thank you to NetGalley, Berkley Publishing Group, and Eliza Brazier for providing me with an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review. This book follows Sera, who is a lover of true crime podcasts. Her favorite are the podcasts that follow the disappearances of women and she feels like they are preparing her for something. So when her favorite podcast host Rachel goes missing, Sera decides to try to find her. She moves out to a ranch in Rachel’s hometown to search for clues, but the more she looks for clues the more things start to feel off.
This was a fun thriller to read at the end of summer! I thought it was really unique the way it incorporated a true crime podcast in with the plot of the story. In addition, the novel had many twists that kept me guessing about what was actually going on. What didn’t work for me with this book was the ending. Although I felt it was good, things got a little confusing and in some ways I felt it was a little too convenient of an ending. It seemed to wrap up very quickly after a long suspense. Overall, I would still recommend this book to thriller lovers as I think it is a unique story!
Release Date: January 26, 2021
SYNOPSIS: Sera loves true crime podcasts. They make her feel empowered in a world where women just like her disappear daily. She's sure they are preparing her for something. So when Rachel, her favorite podcast host, goes missing, Sera knows it's time to act. Rachel has always taught her to trust her instincts.
Sera follows the clues hidden in the episodes to an isolated ranch outside Rachel's small hometown to begin her search. She's convinced her investigation will make Rachel so proud. But the more Sera digs into this unfamiliar world, the more off things start to feel. Because Rachel is not the first woman to vanish from the ranch, and she won't be the last... Rachel did try to warn her.
“We look because we have to. Because no one else will.” - If I Disappear.
See more on my Bookstagram: Shelf.Inspiration Instagram
REVIEW: Thank you to NetGalley, Berkley Publishing Group, and Eliza Brazier for providing me with an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review. This book follows Sera, who is a lover of true crime podcasts. Her favorite are the podcasts that follow the disappearances of women and she feels like they are preparing her for something. So when her favorite podcast host Rachel goes missing, Sera decides to try to find her. She moves out to a ranch in Rachel’s hometown to search for clues, but the more she looks for clues the more things start to feel off.
This was a fun thriller to read at the end of summer! I thought it was really unique the way it incorporated a true crime podcast in with the plot of the story. In addition, the novel had many twists that kept me guessing about what was actually going on. What didn’t work for me with this book was the ending. Although I felt it was good, things got a little confusing and in some ways I felt it was a little too convenient of an ending. It seemed to wrap up very quickly after a long suspense. Overall, I would still recommend this book to thriller lovers as I think it is a unique story!
Release Date: January 26, 2021
SYNOPSIS: Sera loves true crime podcasts. They make her feel empowered in a world where women just like her disappear daily. She's sure they are preparing her for something. So when Rachel, her favorite podcast host, goes missing, Sera knows it's time to act. Rachel has always taught her to trust her instincts.
Sera follows the clues hidden in the episodes to an isolated ranch outside Rachel's small hometown to begin her search. She's convinced her investigation will make Rachel so proud. But the more Sera digs into this unfamiliar world, the more off things start to feel. Because Rachel is not the first woman to vanish from the ranch, and she won't be the last... Rachel did try to warn her.
December 27, 2020
Sera Fleece is unemployed, recently divorced, and finding it tough to get out of bed. She spends most of her time listening to true crime podcasts and has found herself invested in one in particular: Murder, She Spoke. The podcast covers the unsolved disappearances of women and is hosted by Rachel Bard from her family’s guest ranch in Northern California. Sera has listened to each of the 84 episodes multiple times and likes to scroll through Rachel’s social media for insight into her everyday life.
When the podcast and social media accounts all abruptly stop updating, Sera fears that Rachel has become an episode of her own podcast.
Sera drives to Fountain Creek Guest Ranch to confirm Rachel is missing. She feels ridiculous but she has to know what’s happening. After a spontaneous job interview, Rachel’s mother Addy hires Sera as the new head wrangler. Rachel’s family and the nearby small town of Happy Camp all have secrets to hide and plenty of suspects with motive in Rachel’s disappearance.
If I Disappear is an intense debut thriller. Full of suspicious characters, strange clues, and a building sense of unease; I didn’t want to put this one down! I needed to follow along with Sera’s mostly unwise investigation, uncovering secrets and the truth about Rachel.
I recommend this book to readers who love an atmospheric thriller that kicks up the sense of dread the closer you get to the truth.
Thanks to Berkley and NetGalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for my honest review. If I Disappear is scheduled for release on January 26, 2021.
For more reviews, visit www.rootsandreads.wordpress.com
When the podcast and social media accounts all abruptly stop updating, Sera fears that Rachel has become an episode of her own podcast.
Sera drives to Fountain Creek Guest Ranch to confirm Rachel is missing. She feels ridiculous but she has to know what’s happening. After a spontaneous job interview, Rachel’s mother Addy hires Sera as the new head wrangler. Rachel’s family and the nearby small town of Happy Camp all have secrets to hide and plenty of suspects with motive in Rachel’s disappearance.
If I Disappear is an intense debut thriller. Full of suspicious characters, strange clues, and a building sense of unease; I didn’t want to put this one down! I needed to follow along with Sera’s mostly unwise investigation, uncovering secrets and the truth about Rachel.
I recommend this book to readers who love an atmospheric thriller that kicks up the sense of dread the closer you get to the truth.
Thanks to Berkley and NetGalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for my honest review. If I Disappear is scheduled for release on January 26, 2021.
For more reviews, visit www.rootsandreads.wordpress.com
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